A little apprehensive...

Isaiah- I just talked to Val, she came for lunch. I had no idea so much was progressing with the two of you. I will be in prayer that God directs both of your paths and guards your hearts and minds.

Jesus-
thank you for the friends that I have and your incredible timing in bringing them to comfort me. Bless Boo as she continues in her job and learns to be patient with the lil people. Be with Val and Isaiah as they both try to figure out their lives and their paths, be it together or apart, emotionally, physically and relationally. Thank you for the surprises that change our lives and our minds unexpectantly. Bless both of their work.

I am learning more and more how selfish I am. On the brightside, I am starting to become honest with myself and in turn becoming more and more honest with the people around me. I want to be able to call out what I do and feel without constantly comparing it to what I think I "should" think or feel. I want to be free to be me. I think that until I am honest with myself all the time, I wont be able to change myself into who I would like to be- More like you. If Im not honest with myself, I wont know where to start in becoming more like you.

The funny part is that I know that the simple realization of wanting to be real and knowing I'm not- is a step in teh right direction to becoming more like you. By realizing how much I fall short of who you are, the more I realize how much I need to change, the more I selfish I see that I am, brings me closer to you and molds me more into who you want me to be.

I need to know that I am your beloved.
I want to know that I am lovable by males.
I need a Christian support.
I want my family.
I need food.
I want to be able to go out.

the list goes on- thank you for completly taking care of my needs and helping me realize that what I thought were my needs, are actually my wants.

It hurts, but strip me of what you don't want in my life and show me your faithfulness faithfully. You are having to teach me faithfulness personally because everyone else has been unfaithful. I want to be like you. I am really scared that I will wake up one morning and find that you as well have forgotten me. Teach me to think in the truth of who I am, who you created me to be.

If Im worth your time, I should be worth the time of people around me. Please teach me from the inside out that I matter and that I am worth more than what i have always been taught and think. You have put people/voices in my life to speak truth and teach me who I am. Let those voices grow strong and loud and the others to fade and disappear.

Thank you that other people have started calling me Your favorite. It is so nice to hear that other people believe it and in turn, I think I am starting to really believe it as well.

Yours Always,
Ecclesia

Blessed

Food
vacation
amazing places to stay
a bed every night
friends who love me
money
car
job(s)
manicure
Jamba
mentors who care
family
sisters
Lanette keeping her baby
my own room
house mates
scrabble on vacation
James helping me move
Out to lunch
Dinner dates
groceries
cookies
Seeing Katie(s)

you have blessed me beyond measure, I know because I just tried and the words do you know justice. They don't even begin to tell of your greatness. I am your favorite. On me your favor rests. It does not make any sense to me.

The letter that came in the mail today- the one with bad news that made me cry... help me to see your will in all of this. Help me not to forget how faithful you have been. I want to remember your goodness when its hard. I want to trust you when there doesn't seem to be a way out. You are my only hope. You are all I have.

Please give me direction on what to do. I am going to ask James to come over today and pray with me about it. Maybe he will have an idea on what to do. I don't want to go around sharing my problems with everyone and whining about the situation I am in. However, if you have outside help for me, show me who I need to talk to. Make it clear.

Somehow in my lack, in my need, and in my debt- be glorified. May myself and others praise you for who you are. For your faithfulness and provision. I don't know what my options are. If its to drop out of school- may you be glorified. If its to work many more jobs- provide the opportunity. If it to take out another lone- make that clear.

I don't know how I will make it- but I trust you.

whether I win or lose, starve or feast- may you be glorified in my life and in all that I do.

Thank you for your many blessings.

You are good.

Heart

Lord,
The contents of my heart are jumbled. I don't understand whats going on inside. So much, where to start.

I feel very foolish in the way I have treated my heart. I don't trust you with it, and that makes me angry with myself. How do I trust you with my heart? Please teach me. I am tired of searching for something that can only come as a gift from you. I know I have to seek you and find peace in you, but I don't know how to set aside this fear and anxiety in order to get close to you. I feel lost in the matter. What makes less sense is how amazed I am at your goodness to me, and yet I still can't seem to trust you with this.

Thank you for suppling for my every need. I have yet to go a day without food, which is a miracle in itself. You have given me food, and supplied a way to cover my bills. I have yet to be in need, for you satisfy.

Thank you for the ways in which you have orchestrated events to simply bring me peace and know that you are with me. Shelley has been a vessel in ministering to me a lot this week. Thank you for her. It amazes me that you have been working all things in my life for your good. How you do it is astounding. May all people of the earth rejoice in you, for you are good. If this is where I am to go to church, please make it clear. I love that nobody knows me. I love that they don't know my family. Thank you for bringing this change at the right time.

Thank you so much for allowing me a venue to say thank you to You. Some people give me the strangest looks when I tell them I am not getting paid to work, but that I am solely working to help others. Thank you for this opportunity to serve you in the Religion office. I am so thankful.

Go before me Lord as I have an interview on Saturday. Help me to find the right office, and please grant me favor with the interviewer and those that I may work with. Bless my interview and my work. Please calm my nerves Lord and help me to rely on you, especially when it gets hard.

I don't understand the fickleness of my heart. Please render me captivated before you, and only you. I don't want to be distracted by the amazing people you have put in my life, that they become my focus and not you. I pray that I can learn how to be in relationship with people, namely males, in a manner that glorifies you and edifies the people around me. Go before me in my conversations Oh Lord I plea. I need you to teach me how to live, and how to be in relation. I am no good at it.

There is a lot of uncertainty coming in the next week as I head North. I pray that if there is to be financial help coming my way that you would bless those that are working to help me. Only you know how important this trip is and why I need to go. If it is your will, please make it happen. If you will that I don't go, or that I go later, may your will be done in my life. I need you to take control of this situation. I have done what I know to do, I have been amazed at the kindness of your people, bless them and show them how great you are as you continue to show me.

I am truly humbled by your goodness. Your favor for me is overwhelming. Why you would choose to love someone like me is beyond words. Thank you so much. May my life be a living example of my thanksgiving to you. I know that my best does not come close to even saying how great you are, but Lord, I will try.

Please be with my family. I do not know their feeling toward me, nor their thoughts, but Lord help them see that I am striving and trying to follow what you have for me. I know I must be patient and let you work but it is really hard not knowing what is going on. It is hard sitting alone in my room each day not knowing if they think or care about me. It pains my heart the uncertainty I have regarding their love for me. It seems very conditional, very fickle. That kind of love is piercing to my heart knowing that you desire me to be loved and feel love in an unconditional, faithful manner. Teach me to love as you love. Teach me to love my family in spite of how they love me.

Thank you for the opportunity to work at the internship this next year. I know not what plans you have in store for me or the other women, but I know that your hand is in this. thank you for the confirmation I felt in my spirit in regards to this. I am coming to understand that you are more than a God of my brain and Spirit but you are God of all things, and all areas of my life. Thank you that I am able to feel again. That I am becoming more and more sensitive to your Spirit and that I can feel and see you moving like I could years ago. Thank you so much.

Thank you for the gift of life. The opportunity to wake each day (or night) and praise you. Thank you so much for creating me in a way that I am able to give you praise. May my heart always be thankful before you and humble to serving you in each way.

Thank you for James. If I am supposed to figure out what is going on, please help me. But if I am not to know, please help me in being content.

In all things may I be content with what I have, satisfied, and completely thankful and grateful to you, the Lord who supplies not only for the physical needs, but the spiritual and emotional needs of your beloved.

Thank you.

finished

Thank you that I am done with classes until Aug. And that I passed all my classes. I was kind of nervous there for a while.

You are so good to me! I really don't understand it. Thank you for the gift of life that you bless me with everyday, and provisions for food that come in the most comedic ways.

Lord you are good! Your mercy is new every morning. You are so great and oh, so good. Thank you.

I don't know how to say thank you enough. I pray that my life will be an endless thanksgiving to you and that the ways that I treat others will be out of thanksgiving. That I wont take any of my blessings and hoard them for myself but rather that I will give freely as you have given so freely to me. I pray that my life will be a living example of how great you are.

Ive been telling everyone all week that I'm your favorite, and I tell them stories of what you have done for me and they stand amazed how great you are. I think they are starting to realize that you love me.

My hope is that I could be a vessel that you use to show them how much you love them. That although I am your favorite, they are your favorite as well.

You are amazing. Thank you for life so that I can enjoy you. Thank you for creating me so that I can experience you.

I love you.

meh

"Sometimes when Im too depressed or drowning in self doubt
I know that I can call your name, and you will pull me out.
You taught me that Im worth much more, than what I've always thought
You give my strength and confidence, so long that I have sought..." -my poem to you


Thank you for the gift of one final on finals week.
Thank you that it isnt until Thursday.
Thank you that I could buy pizza for my girls.
Thank you that I have been an RA
and thank you that its ending.

This is one chapter in my life I am excited about closing.
Not that it has been bad in any way,
but that I am excited for the next to begin.

You are so good to me.
Thank you.


"You're the reason I live, you the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you. (only for you) only for you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone who loves me like you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone as awesome as you.
You're the reason I live. You're the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you."

-song by Steve and Julie

Play

Can we play sometime?
I want to run, laugh, smile, and have a tickle fight with you.
Is that too crazy a request?
I want to forget everything and just play.

Thank you for being present with me during James' and my conversation last night.
Im glad you were there.
Thank you so much for James.
Im glad he didn't walk out on me.
I like this new situation where I can tell people who I really am, say what I feel and they stick around.
Good bad and ugly, hes still here.
Thank you.

I think Dr. Seuss was on to something when he said:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind- don't matter, and those who matter- don't mind."

smiles.

Thank you for creating me.
Thank you for the process of learning.
Thank you for making life interesting.
Thank you for men who love you.
Thank you for letting me be me.

I love you.

steady now

I feel like I am about to mess up a very good thing.

God, he thinks shes beautiful. The worse part? She is. She is gorgeous in every way possible. Its really hard for me to not be threatened by her wonderfulness.

I know you created me, and like me. I know you are aware of me. I know that you think I pretty. I am your beloved. You want me. I know. I get it... or do I?

How come you seem to be the only one who sees me? Why can't that be enough? Why do I want others to see me like you see me? Can't I be content with your approval?

Even know I am not saying what I want to you. I am trying to put forth an image. Probably because I know there is a chance Isaiah will read this. (Hi Isaiah.)

God, why can't I be real with you? Why am I not content in complaining to you- that would be a start. Instead I ask questions. Knowing that they may never be answered. I ask in hopes that I'll just get it.

Is it ok for me to complain?
I feel that it would be boring reading.
That you would stop listening, reading, caring if I told you how much I don't like about life.

I have a really warped view of you.
I'm still scared your gunna walk out on me.
... Isaiah, and James, and Kendrick, Katie, Paul, Garrett, Bethany, Mom.
most of them wouldn't be around or call if I didn't call. I know- caused Ive tried. They don't remember me... I don't think they do anyway.
Forgettable- if I stopped praying would you forget me? If I stopped living would anyone notice?

I don't know if I could confidently answer that.

I know Isaiah would say that I haven't thought this through, or would make me feel bad for thinking it- cause its wrong. but thats where I am. Sorry if it disappoints you. I'm sure it does.

I suck at being okay. I realized that I don't know how to do it. would you mind teaching me? How do I live a life that is filled with your joy, peace, and patience?

I don't know.
I feel stuck.
meh.

can we just hang out?
I don't like that our relationship is so hard.
I miss wanting to hang out with you.
I want to want you.


...


...


...

...

today

That 20 min after dinner.

when I left dinner and hung out with you...

greatest time of my entire weekend.

Thanks for showing up last minute.

Sorry I'm in a million places lately.

It was nice to just be with you today.

:0)

New Morning

I woke up this morning with this verse on my heart.
I read the familiar passage and like a cool rushing water on a hot day I realized that you are still with me.

Oh Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from a far.
You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem in me behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; to lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkenss is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit my together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eye saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

Ps. 129:1-18

Forgetful

Hello.
I have been so forgetful these past few days.
I forgot to register for classes at my appointed time,
because I was working on a paper I forgot was due.
I forgot to go to the dance practice,
because I forgot it was job shadowing week.
I forgot to fill out the questionnaire,
because I forgot to read the book it was on.

Not only have I been forgetting things- important things-
I also feel forgotten.

I know everyone is busy.
I know its crunch time and everyone is preoccupied with what is going on in their lives.
I know. I know its not their fault, and I will never tell them I feel forgotten by them, thats not their responsibility- to remember me.

What scares me is that I feel like you have forgotten me.
I don't feel important, which is ok, I don't need to be important.
But I want to be important to you.
Even if everyone else forgets me.
Even if I am a nobody to everyone else.
Please don't forget me.

Please don't be far from me.
Can you even hear me now?
Please hear my voice, my plea for you.
Remember me.
Think of me.
Come near to me, please.

I know I am forgetful,
but Please please please,
Don't forget me.

Its me

Here I am, again.
I drew that picture. You taught me a lot about myself with it. Every time I look at it, I find you point more stuff out. I'm starting to understand why it hurts, and that its a good thing- sometimes.

I feel that way on the inside but you looked like that on the outside. beat. broken. cut. And you did it for me, so that by your stripes I am healed.

James asked me if I really had a hard time believing that you would do that for me. I told him that I knew you did it, I know it happened. What I don't understand is why. I don't understand why you would be so hurt and afflicted with pain, for me.

I have a hard time loving people.
Its hard to accept love from other people.
When others reach out to me, I hurt them.
when people try to love me, I lash out.
... I think it stems from not feeling worthy of their love.
I don't truly think I am good enough or worthwhile for someone to stick it out with me.
I think people should walk away and not waste their time even getting to know me.

How did this thinking start?
How come everyone has done exactly that, until now?
Why are you stretching this part now?
I am difficult.
I'm not good and saying what I mean to people.
I am afraid.

I am everything you died so that I wouldn't have to be.
How come I can't seem to be who you want me to be.
How come I can't bring myself to be whole.

... its not my job.
Thats your job. Thats what you want to do.

How do I get out of the way and let you bandage and heal my hurts?
How do live in the healing process?

Find me, Ive lost my way.
I need you to finish what you have started.
I need you, because I can't do this.
I need you because I have tried and made things worse.
I need you, because I will die slow and painfully without you.
I need you.

I want to be ok with needing you- in the mean time, I still only need you.

Bruised

For the past couple of days I have had this image in my head of how I feel. I close my eyes and each time I come in contact with someone the image changes a little as to how they are effecting me. Maybe this image is from you so i can understand what you are doing in me, on the emotional side. Maybe because its Easter I am seeing what you did it all for. It blows my mind that you would suffer for me. I don't get it. Why would you do that for me?

I am going to try to draw tonight. In my journal. I am going to try and draw what I see on the inside. Maybe it will become a bit more clear.

thank you for what you did for me.

I still don't understand.

The List

Loves Jesus
stunning vocabulary
Listens
gentlemen
Sings hymns
Quotes scripture
Thinks creatively before acting
Passionate
Reads (poetry) out loud

Jesus, I know it doesn't matter much what I think. You know best. But you have given me a mind and a heart that can see and want. There are people in my life that not only fit this list, but they helped create it. They have done or said something that stirred something in my heart. Help me to focus on you and see people how you see them instead of through my list. Help the people who have everything to do with this list, continue to be them no matter their circumstances.

my words don't come out right before you and it is upsetting. I am so thankful that you see my heart and understand what I am saying before words get in the way.

Why am I unmotivated to do anything? I need to get a few papers done and the inspiration I am hoping to have is yet to come. Help me learn to work without out the need for motivation. Help me learn how to get things accomplished even when Im not "feeling it"

I'm a mess. A really bad one. I have slacked on everything, and now when its really important- I'm being sucky. I forgot to pay one of my bills and so it charged me. It charged me money I don't have. I had the money to pay the bill, but forgot. Irresponsible.

I borrowed money from Elise, I don't know when I will be able to pay her back.

I wanted to pride myself on my responsibleness. I wanted to show my family I could survive without them. Is that why I am not doing so good? You are the first person Ive told about this. I'm thinking I don't want anyone to know. Except you.

I don't know what to do Daddy. I'm scarred of debt. Im scarred of not being responsible. I don't like not being able to give money to people like the KK who want to help the people of Uganda, or take a friend out to lunch or coffee just to bless them. I love blessing people like that. I like doing it in your name, and they have no idea it was from me. Right now I want you to be glorified in my lack. It doesn't make any sense to me how you could do that. But I know that I am your beloved and you will provide for me, even if it isn't the way I think it should be. In my lack i want to praise you. In my debt I want to give you glory.
In my pain I will rejoice for you are good.
You are good in spite of how I act.
You are good when I don't think you should be.
You are good when no one else is.
You are good if I fail.
You are good if I win.
You are good when I suffer.
You are good in my lack.
You are good regardless of time, space, weather or circumstance.
Lord, you are good.

Forgive me as I learn to live my life in a way that proclaims that you are good.

Be Straight With Me

I miss choir.

not the people- they were mean.

but the singing part.

learning, reading and singing languages.

reading music.

blending voices.

I know you hear my words, what gets me is you know the hurt in my heart when I say them. The longing to be apart of something bigger than myself. To be a solo voice joining and blending with others around me to create something beautiful. Music. Thank you for creating music.

humina

I am tired of worrying about this.

Can you just work it out? either way? really. I m done trying to figure it out.

If it happens it happens.

I don't know if this is trusting you or giving up- right now the two seem the same.

I want to call it trusting you. trusting that you haven't forgot about me. Why do I tend to think that you have?

Other news- Lord, please be with my resident. Soften her heart so she can see that there are so many people who want to help her. Be with her room mates as they sort this out with her and help her see that there are other ways than what she is doing. Be with Residents Life as they confront her on the issue and reach out to her. I know she is hurting and is deep into this be all that she needs. You know best how to handle this situation. I am at a loss- so I wont tell you how to do your job. You know.

I love you.

I'm not good at being friends with people who are friends with other people.

I'm not good at not quiting.


Oh Lord, help me learn how to best be me.

KTB

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I see him around and my heart aches I miss him so much. I miss hanging out with him. Seeing him smile. Hearing him laugh. Listening to his stories. Learning from him. Living life with him.

I don't know how to even go about initiating time together anymore. I so much don't want him to feel awkward, or odd, or think I want something from him. Really- I just want to spend time with him. Thats all.

- Thats a lie. I want him to see me. I want him to see me- really see me- and like what he sees. Better yet- love me. Why does it seem so impossible to me that I could be loved? Why do I feel like the only way I will be able to be with someone is if i settle? Settle for someone I don't love, I don't like. Part of me wants to give myself over and be miserable for the rest of my life just so I wont be alone. Where did that thinking come from? Why don't I think I'm worth loving?

Why do I think that the guys who do like me aren't "good-enough" Where did my standard come from? I don't remember sitting down and putting a list together. But its there. And few measure up. The few who have- either don't want anything to do with me, or have decided to not date or marry.

Catch 22. No way out.

What do I do? I don't know how to give you this part of my life. I'm so afraid that you will take it and tell me that there is no one for me. I am to be single forever. I don't like that that scares me. I don't like that I don't trust you. I don't like that I am so afraid. How do I surrender this fear that grips me from every side? How do I give over the most important thing to me? Why is it so important to me?

How do I convince myself to trust the one who has never let me down?

You'd think it would be easy...

Spring Break

You took one week to create the entire universe Each day building on the last.

This past week, you reshaped my universe. You took things/ideas out and replaced them with goodness. Over and over again I stated how much I love Fresno, but in reality- I love what you have taught me in Fresno.

I love:
Elise's Dad making the best sandwich ever!
The little ninja family
The eldest ninjas smile when he talks to the younger ones
Ninja chicken
scrabble with Ninjas
Female ninja speaking truth into my life without knowing she ever did it
ninja hugs
Caleb hugs
Momma Richard tackling me
Papa Bear singing worship songs
Family game night
Ribs with friends
Ghetto mall
Daffodils in downtown
Optometrists
Downtown Donuts
Tacos
singing sombrero man at Sals
Sushi friends
random Sonic
overweight Mexican motorcyclists
Hernden and Mmaple
Church in Fresno
sweet deal on pretty dress
holding hands in car
Ninja hands
Elise tears
Momma/Papa bear tears
street signs
giggles
Caleb
Eli
Hanna
Ruben
Jessie
Leah
Lil Gabriel

maybe I don't understand why you put me in the family that you did, but I am so thankful that I grew up the way I did so that when I see families like the Richard family and the Micu family I can know what a godly family looks like. Thank you so much for allowing me to meet them. My heart is so full of unexplainable joy at just the thought of them. I wish I had the vocabulary to tell Elise and Isaiah how much it means to me that they would allow me to be apart of their lives and the lives of their families. Thank you so much for them. If at all possible show me how I can be an encouragement and blessing to them. I don't think they will ever understand how much the deepest parts of me where healed just by being around them.

Please bless their families. Help Mrs. Micu to feel better and to heal quickly. I pray also for Mr. Micu, that he would continue to be a godly father and raise his children in love and the fear of the Lord. I pray that you bless his work and finances, may he continue to be a blessing to those around him, his children, and the countless lives he comes in contact with. Bless each of the lil ninjas as they grow into the people they are. I pray that they would be a reflection of you even more than they are now. Please let our paths meet again, I know its selfish of me- but I would love to just be around them. keep them safe and full of smiles and smarts.
I lift up Momma and Daddy Richard to you. Bless their house as they are a blessing to those around them. Watch over them and keep them safe as they work and live life with those around them. Bring them deeper into what you have for them, I know that seeing you is their greatest desire. Thank you for them. Also I pray for Caleb. I pray that you would ignite a passion in him. Be with him and help him to make wise decisions.

Thank you so much for this week. Help me remember. Please continue to work in my heart. Show me what you have for me.

I love you.

Dawn

I wish I could re-arrange my sleeping and waking schedule. I wish I could rise each morning 20 min before the sunrises and walk/long-board/bike to Te Winkle Park and watch the sun come up each morning listening to the fountains and ducks.

Just being with you in the still hours of the morning before all of life gets crazy. Before most of Vanguard is awake, and only those who want to be awake are.

Going to sleep at a reasonable hour and getting enough sleep to be fully present with people when I am physically with them.

I long for the productiveness and happiness that always comes on the days that this does happen. Life is just happier.

Thank you that I have had times like this in the past that I can reflect on and strive for. Please help me to do the necessary things to make this a constant part of life.

Even though I don't show it all the time, I love you more than anything/anyone else.

Question

I find that the more amazing of a person I meet, the more you tell me they aren't for me. Almost like I can only get close enough to see how amazing they are, then its time to walk away.

Why is that?

I wish I could be content with the relationships I have, just as they are. Happy to be with my friends. Happy with them- just as they are. I wish I wasn't constantly looking for more relationships, friends. I wish I could just stop and be. Not be anything for anyone, or anything, but just be.

Is there more to life? Are there more relationships? How do I stop and just be with you? I don't know anymore.

Do you even want to be with me? I'm not so sure anyone else does.

Where am I? And how do I get to you from here??

Smiles

Papi Jesus
Lord
Dad
Father
Love

it seems I never know what to call you. Every term that I have called you in the past is what others have handed down to me or told me was a good idea. I want to be able to call you something intimate, like you calling me Ecclesia. The only word that has significance to me is friend. I know what a friend is. Its you. Yes I call others friend but only because they show characteristics of you. I see you, my Friend, in each of the people I call friend.
Yet it seems so simple. Is it ok with you if I call you Friend. Dad and Father still have such bad connotations, although you show me what that is as well.
Thank you for being my Friend.
Thank you for showing others how to be my friend.
Thank you for being.

Friends

Jesus
You are good to me when I deserve it least. I really don't understand it. Last semester I felt so close to you, but this semester I feel so far away. I don't read my Bible, I don't even pray. I am living life as if you don't exist. But somehow you still manage to put people in my life that are amazing.
Thank you for friends that inspire me to strive toward you. Thank you for friends that tell me who I am in you when I have forgotten. I have become very good at talking like I know whats up, when really- I at a complete loss.
Lord I wish I could be rid of words for a while so that I can truly learn to live what I believe and not say anything. Help me to shut my mouth and not pretend like I know the answers when, clearly, I don't have the faintest idea.
Thank you for listening to me.
You are good.

Family

God I don't get it. How can they think that I am so evil and bad but in all reality, the only logical conclusion is that they themselves are doing evil things.

I confess that I am not telling them everything they want to hear, but every detail of my life is NOT their business. My relationship with my Dad is- just that- MY relationship with my Dad.

Is it my responsibility to cover his bases? He should step up, but since he isn't does that mean that I am to take over? I can only do my part. I refuse to be everyones everything. Thats your job not mine. It is tempting to spill secrets that I hold for others to make my life easier, but what kind of integrity would that be?

I trust you with the story of the lives of each of of my family members, I just don't trust them with each others stories. I never thought that the ruthlessness of humanity, the evil of this world could be so apparent in the voices and lives of the people closest to me.

Its scary. Please be with me.