Its me

Here I am, again.
I drew that picture. You taught me a lot about myself with it. Every time I look at it, I find you point more stuff out. I'm starting to understand why it hurts, and that its a good thing- sometimes.

I feel that way on the inside but you looked like that on the outside. beat. broken. cut. And you did it for me, so that by your stripes I am healed.

James asked me if I really had a hard time believing that you would do that for me. I told him that I knew you did it, I know it happened. What I don't understand is why. I don't understand why you would be so hurt and afflicted with pain, for me.

I have a hard time loving people.
Its hard to accept love from other people.
When others reach out to me, I hurt them.
when people try to love me, I lash out.
... I think it stems from not feeling worthy of their love.
I don't truly think I am good enough or worthwhile for someone to stick it out with me.
I think people should walk away and not waste their time even getting to know me.

How did this thinking start?
How come everyone has done exactly that, until now?
Why are you stretching this part now?
I am difficult.
I'm not good and saying what I mean to people.
I am afraid.

I am everything you died so that I wouldn't have to be.
How come I can't seem to be who you want me to be.
How come I can't bring myself to be whole.

... its not my job.
Thats your job. Thats what you want to do.

How do I get out of the way and let you bandage and heal my hurts?
How do live in the healing process?

Find me, Ive lost my way.
I need you to finish what you have started.
I need you, because I can't do this.
I need you because I have tried and made things worse.
I need you, because I will die slow and painfully without you.
I need you.

I want to be ok with needing you- in the mean time, I still only need you.