steady now

I feel like I am about to mess up a very good thing.

God, he thinks shes beautiful. The worse part? She is. She is gorgeous in every way possible. Its really hard for me to not be threatened by her wonderfulness.

I know you created me, and like me. I know you are aware of me. I know that you think I pretty. I am your beloved. You want me. I know. I get it... or do I?

How come you seem to be the only one who sees me? Why can't that be enough? Why do I want others to see me like you see me? Can't I be content with your approval?

Even know I am not saying what I want to you. I am trying to put forth an image. Probably because I know there is a chance Isaiah will read this. (Hi Isaiah.)

God, why can't I be real with you? Why am I not content in complaining to you- that would be a start. Instead I ask questions. Knowing that they may never be answered. I ask in hopes that I'll just get it.

Is it ok for me to complain?
I feel that it would be boring reading.
That you would stop listening, reading, caring if I told you how much I don't like about life.

I have a really warped view of you.
I'm still scared your gunna walk out on me.
... Isaiah, and James, and Kendrick, Katie, Paul, Garrett, Bethany, Mom.
most of them wouldn't be around or call if I didn't call. I know- caused Ive tried. They don't remember me... I don't think they do anyway.
Forgettable- if I stopped praying would you forget me? If I stopped living would anyone notice?

I don't know if I could confidently answer that.

I know Isaiah would say that I haven't thought this through, or would make me feel bad for thinking it- cause its wrong. but thats where I am. Sorry if it disappoints you. I'm sure it does.

I suck at being okay. I realized that I don't know how to do it. would you mind teaching me? How do I live a life that is filled with your joy, peace, and patience?

I don't know.
I feel stuck.
meh.

can we just hang out?
I don't like that our relationship is so hard.
I miss wanting to hang out with you.
I want to want you.


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