KTB

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I see him around and my heart aches I miss him so much. I miss hanging out with him. Seeing him smile. Hearing him laugh. Listening to his stories. Learning from him. Living life with him.

I don't know how to even go about initiating time together anymore. I so much don't want him to feel awkward, or odd, or think I want something from him. Really- I just want to spend time with him. Thats all.

- Thats a lie. I want him to see me. I want him to see me- really see me- and like what he sees. Better yet- love me. Why does it seem so impossible to me that I could be loved? Why do I feel like the only way I will be able to be with someone is if i settle? Settle for someone I don't love, I don't like. Part of me wants to give myself over and be miserable for the rest of my life just so I wont be alone. Where did that thinking come from? Why don't I think I'm worth loving?

Why do I think that the guys who do like me aren't "good-enough" Where did my standard come from? I don't remember sitting down and putting a list together. But its there. And few measure up. The few who have- either don't want anything to do with me, or have decided to not date or marry.

Catch 22. No way out.

What do I do? I don't know how to give you this part of my life. I'm so afraid that you will take it and tell me that there is no one for me. I am to be single forever. I don't like that that scares me. I don't like that I don't trust you. I don't like that I am so afraid. How do I surrender this fear that grips me from every side? How do I give over the most important thing to me? Why is it so important to me?

How do I convince myself to trust the one who has never let me down?

You'd think it would be easy...