meh

"Sometimes when Im too depressed or drowning in self doubt
I know that I can call your name, and you will pull me out.
You taught me that Im worth much more, than what I've always thought
You give my strength and confidence, so long that I have sought..." -my poem to you


Thank you for the gift of one final on finals week.
Thank you that it isnt until Thursday.
Thank you that I could buy pizza for my girls.
Thank you that I have been an RA
and thank you that its ending.

This is one chapter in my life I am excited about closing.
Not that it has been bad in any way,
but that I am excited for the next to begin.

You are so good to me.
Thank you.


"You're the reason I live, you the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you. (only for you) only for you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone who loves me like you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone as awesome as you.
You're the reason I live. You're the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you."

-song by Steve and Julie

Play

Can we play sometime?
I want to run, laugh, smile, and have a tickle fight with you.
Is that too crazy a request?
I want to forget everything and just play.

Thank you for being present with me during James' and my conversation last night.
Im glad you were there.
Thank you so much for James.
Im glad he didn't walk out on me.
I like this new situation where I can tell people who I really am, say what I feel and they stick around.
Good bad and ugly, hes still here.
Thank you.

I think Dr. Seuss was on to something when he said:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind- don't matter, and those who matter- don't mind."

smiles.

Thank you for creating me.
Thank you for the process of learning.
Thank you for making life interesting.
Thank you for men who love you.
Thank you for letting me be me.

I love you.

steady now

I feel like I am about to mess up a very good thing.

God, he thinks shes beautiful. The worse part? She is. She is gorgeous in every way possible. Its really hard for me to not be threatened by her wonderfulness.

I know you created me, and like me. I know you are aware of me. I know that you think I pretty. I am your beloved. You want me. I know. I get it... or do I?

How come you seem to be the only one who sees me? Why can't that be enough? Why do I want others to see me like you see me? Can't I be content with your approval?

Even know I am not saying what I want to you. I am trying to put forth an image. Probably because I know there is a chance Isaiah will read this. (Hi Isaiah.)

God, why can't I be real with you? Why am I not content in complaining to you- that would be a start. Instead I ask questions. Knowing that they may never be answered. I ask in hopes that I'll just get it.

Is it ok for me to complain?
I feel that it would be boring reading.
That you would stop listening, reading, caring if I told you how much I don't like about life.

I have a really warped view of you.
I'm still scared your gunna walk out on me.
... Isaiah, and James, and Kendrick, Katie, Paul, Garrett, Bethany, Mom.
most of them wouldn't be around or call if I didn't call. I know- caused Ive tried. They don't remember me... I don't think they do anyway.
Forgettable- if I stopped praying would you forget me? If I stopped living would anyone notice?

I don't know if I could confidently answer that.

I know Isaiah would say that I haven't thought this through, or would make me feel bad for thinking it- cause its wrong. but thats where I am. Sorry if it disappoints you. I'm sure it does.

I suck at being okay. I realized that I don't know how to do it. would you mind teaching me? How do I live a life that is filled with your joy, peace, and patience?

I don't know.
I feel stuck.
meh.

can we just hang out?
I don't like that our relationship is so hard.
I miss wanting to hang out with you.
I want to want you.


...


...


...

...

today

That 20 min after dinner.

when I left dinner and hung out with you...

greatest time of my entire weekend.

Thanks for showing up last minute.

Sorry I'm in a million places lately.

It was nice to just be with you today.

:0)

New Morning

I woke up this morning with this verse on my heart.
I read the familiar passage and like a cool rushing water on a hot day I realized that you are still with me.

Oh Lord you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from a far.
You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem in me behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; to lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkenss is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit my together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eye saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

Ps. 129:1-18

Forgetful

Hello.
I have been so forgetful these past few days.
I forgot to register for classes at my appointed time,
because I was working on a paper I forgot was due.
I forgot to go to the dance practice,
because I forgot it was job shadowing week.
I forgot to fill out the questionnaire,
because I forgot to read the book it was on.

Not only have I been forgetting things- important things-
I also feel forgotten.

I know everyone is busy.
I know its crunch time and everyone is preoccupied with what is going on in their lives.
I know. I know its not their fault, and I will never tell them I feel forgotten by them, thats not their responsibility- to remember me.

What scares me is that I feel like you have forgotten me.
I don't feel important, which is ok, I don't need to be important.
But I want to be important to you.
Even if everyone else forgets me.
Even if I am a nobody to everyone else.
Please don't forget me.

Please don't be far from me.
Can you even hear me now?
Please hear my voice, my plea for you.
Remember me.
Think of me.
Come near to me, please.

I know I am forgetful,
but Please please please,
Don't forget me.

Its me

Here I am, again.
I drew that picture. You taught me a lot about myself with it. Every time I look at it, I find you point more stuff out. I'm starting to understand why it hurts, and that its a good thing- sometimes.

I feel that way on the inside but you looked like that on the outside. beat. broken. cut. And you did it for me, so that by your stripes I am healed.

James asked me if I really had a hard time believing that you would do that for me. I told him that I knew you did it, I know it happened. What I don't understand is why. I don't understand why you would be so hurt and afflicted with pain, for me.

I have a hard time loving people.
Its hard to accept love from other people.
When others reach out to me, I hurt them.
when people try to love me, I lash out.
... I think it stems from not feeling worthy of their love.
I don't truly think I am good enough or worthwhile for someone to stick it out with me.
I think people should walk away and not waste their time even getting to know me.

How did this thinking start?
How come everyone has done exactly that, until now?
Why are you stretching this part now?
I am difficult.
I'm not good and saying what I mean to people.
I am afraid.

I am everything you died so that I wouldn't have to be.
How come I can't seem to be who you want me to be.
How come I can't bring myself to be whole.

... its not my job.
Thats your job. Thats what you want to do.

How do I get out of the way and let you bandage and heal my hurts?
How do live in the healing process?

Find me, Ive lost my way.
I need you to finish what you have started.
I need you, because I can't do this.
I need you because I have tried and made things worse.
I need you, because I will die slow and painfully without you.
I need you.

I want to be ok with needing you- in the mean time, I still only need you.

Bruised

For the past couple of days I have had this image in my head of how I feel. I close my eyes and each time I come in contact with someone the image changes a little as to how they are effecting me. Maybe this image is from you so i can understand what you are doing in me, on the emotional side. Maybe because its Easter I am seeing what you did it all for. It blows my mind that you would suffer for me. I don't get it. Why would you do that for me?

I am going to try to draw tonight. In my journal. I am going to try and draw what I see on the inside. Maybe it will become a bit more clear.

thank you for what you did for me.

I still don't understand.

The List

Loves Jesus
stunning vocabulary
Listens
gentlemen
Sings hymns
Quotes scripture
Thinks creatively before acting
Passionate
Reads (poetry) out loud

Jesus, I know it doesn't matter much what I think. You know best. But you have given me a mind and a heart that can see and want. There are people in my life that not only fit this list, but they helped create it. They have done or said something that stirred something in my heart. Help me to focus on you and see people how you see them instead of through my list. Help the people who have everything to do with this list, continue to be them no matter their circumstances.

my words don't come out right before you and it is upsetting. I am so thankful that you see my heart and understand what I am saying before words get in the way.

Why am I unmotivated to do anything? I need to get a few papers done and the inspiration I am hoping to have is yet to come. Help me learn to work without out the need for motivation. Help me learn how to get things accomplished even when Im not "feeling it"

I'm a mess. A really bad one. I have slacked on everything, and now when its really important- I'm being sucky. I forgot to pay one of my bills and so it charged me. It charged me money I don't have. I had the money to pay the bill, but forgot. Irresponsible.

I borrowed money from Elise, I don't know when I will be able to pay her back.

I wanted to pride myself on my responsibleness. I wanted to show my family I could survive without them. Is that why I am not doing so good? You are the first person Ive told about this. I'm thinking I don't want anyone to know. Except you.

I don't know what to do Daddy. I'm scarred of debt. Im scarred of not being responsible. I don't like not being able to give money to people like the KK who want to help the people of Uganda, or take a friend out to lunch or coffee just to bless them. I love blessing people like that. I like doing it in your name, and they have no idea it was from me. Right now I want you to be glorified in my lack. It doesn't make any sense to me how you could do that. But I know that I am your beloved and you will provide for me, even if it isn't the way I think it should be. In my lack i want to praise you. In my debt I want to give you glory.
In my pain I will rejoice for you are good.
You are good in spite of how I act.
You are good when I don't think you should be.
You are good when no one else is.
You are good if I fail.
You are good if I win.
You are good when I suffer.
You are good in my lack.
You are good regardless of time, space, weather or circumstance.
Lord, you are good.

Forgive me as I learn to live my life in a way that proclaims that you are good.