Be Straight With Me

I miss choir.

not the people- they were mean.

but the singing part.

learning, reading and singing languages.

reading music.

blending voices.

I know you hear my words, what gets me is you know the hurt in my heart when I say them. The longing to be apart of something bigger than myself. To be a solo voice joining and blending with others around me to create something beautiful. Music. Thank you for creating music.

humina

I am tired of worrying about this.

Can you just work it out? either way? really. I m done trying to figure it out.

If it happens it happens.

I don't know if this is trusting you or giving up- right now the two seem the same.

I want to call it trusting you. trusting that you haven't forgot about me. Why do I tend to think that you have?

Other news- Lord, please be with my resident. Soften her heart so she can see that there are so many people who want to help her. Be with her room mates as they sort this out with her and help her see that there are other ways than what she is doing. Be with Residents Life as they confront her on the issue and reach out to her. I know she is hurting and is deep into this be all that she needs. You know best how to handle this situation. I am at a loss- so I wont tell you how to do your job. You know.

I love you.

I'm not good at being friends with people who are friends with other people.

I'm not good at not quiting.


Oh Lord, help me learn how to best be me.

KTB

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I see him around and my heart aches I miss him so much. I miss hanging out with him. Seeing him smile. Hearing him laugh. Listening to his stories. Learning from him. Living life with him.

I don't know how to even go about initiating time together anymore. I so much don't want him to feel awkward, or odd, or think I want something from him. Really- I just want to spend time with him. Thats all.

- Thats a lie. I want him to see me. I want him to see me- really see me- and like what he sees. Better yet- love me. Why does it seem so impossible to me that I could be loved? Why do I feel like the only way I will be able to be with someone is if i settle? Settle for someone I don't love, I don't like. Part of me wants to give myself over and be miserable for the rest of my life just so I wont be alone. Where did that thinking come from? Why don't I think I'm worth loving?

Why do I think that the guys who do like me aren't "good-enough" Where did my standard come from? I don't remember sitting down and putting a list together. But its there. And few measure up. The few who have- either don't want anything to do with me, or have decided to not date or marry.

Catch 22. No way out.

What do I do? I don't know how to give you this part of my life. I'm so afraid that you will take it and tell me that there is no one for me. I am to be single forever. I don't like that that scares me. I don't like that I don't trust you. I don't like that I am so afraid. How do I surrender this fear that grips me from every side? How do I give over the most important thing to me? Why is it so important to me?

How do I convince myself to trust the one who has never let me down?

You'd think it would be easy...

Spring Break

You took one week to create the entire universe Each day building on the last.

This past week, you reshaped my universe. You took things/ideas out and replaced them with goodness. Over and over again I stated how much I love Fresno, but in reality- I love what you have taught me in Fresno.

I love:
Elise's Dad making the best sandwich ever!
The little ninja family
The eldest ninjas smile when he talks to the younger ones
Ninja chicken
scrabble with Ninjas
Female ninja speaking truth into my life without knowing she ever did it
ninja hugs
Caleb hugs
Momma Richard tackling me
Papa Bear singing worship songs
Family game night
Ribs with friends
Ghetto mall
Daffodils in downtown
Optometrists
Downtown Donuts
Tacos
singing sombrero man at Sals
Sushi friends
random Sonic
overweight Mexican motorcyclists
Hernden and Mmaple
Church in Fresno
sweet deal on pretty dress
holding hands in car
Ninja hands
Elise tears
Momma/Papa bear tears
street signs
giggles
Caleb
Eli
Hanna
Ruben
Jessie
Leah
Lil Gabriel

maybe I don't understand why you put me in the family that you did, but I am so thankful that I grew up the way I did so that when I see families like the Richard family and the Micu family I can know what a godly family looks like. Thank you so much for allowing me to meet them. My heart is so full of unexplainable joy at just the thought of them. I wish I had the vocabulary to tell Elise and Isaiah how much it means to me that they would allow me to be apart of their lives and the lives of their families. Thank you so much for them. If at all possible show me how I can be an encouragement and blessing to them. I don't think they will ever understand how much the deepest parts of me where healed just by being around them.

Please bless their families. Help Mrs. Micu to feel better and to heal quickly. I pray also for Mr. Micu, that he would continue to be a godly father and raise his children in love and the fear of the Lord. I pray that you bless his work and finances, may he continue to be a blessing to those around him, his children, and the countless lives he comes in contact with. Bless each of the lil ninjas as they grow into the people they are. I pray that they would be a reflection of you even more than they are now. Please let our paths meet again, I know its selfish of me- but I would love to just be around them. keep them safe and full of smiles and smarts.
I lift up Momma and Daddy Richard to you. Bless their house as they are a blessing to those around them. Watch over them and keep them safe as they work and live life with those around them. Bring them deeper into what you have for them, I know that seeing you is their greatest desire. Thank you for them. Also I pray for Caleb. I pray that you would ignite a passion in him. Be with him and help him to make wise decisions.

Thank you so much for this week. Help me remember. Please continue to work in my heart. Show me what you have for me.

I love you.

Dawn

I wish I could re-arrange my sleeping and waking schedule. I wish I could rise each morning 20 min before the sunrises and walk/long-board/bike to Te Winkle Park and watch the sun come up each morning listening to the fountains and ducks.

Just being with you in the still hours of the morning before all of life gets crazy. Before most of Vanguard is awake, and only those who want to be awake are.

Going to sleep at a reasonable hour and getting enough sleep to be fully present with people when I am physically with them.

I long for the productiveness and happiness that always comes on the days that this does happen. Life is just happier.

Thank you that I have had times like this in the past that I can reflect on and strive for. Please help me to do the necessary things to make this a constant part of life.

Even though I don't show it all the time, I love you more than anything/anyone else.

Question

I find that the more amazing of a person I meet, the more you tell me they aren't for me. Almost like I can only get close enough to see how amazing they are, then its time to walk away.

Why is that?

I wish I could be content with the relationships I have, just as they are. Happy to be with my friends. Happy with them- just as they are. I wish I wasn't constantly looking for more relationships, friends. I wish I could just stop and be. Not be anything for anyone, or anything, but just be.

Is there more to life? Are there more relationships? How do I stop and just be with you? I don't know anymore.

Do you even want to be with me? I'm not so sure anyone else does.

Where am I? And how do I get to you from here??

Smiles

Papi Jesus
Lord
Dad
Father
Love

it seems I never know what to call you. Every term that I have called you in the past is what others have handed down to me or told me was a good idea. I want to be able to call you something intimate, like you calling me Ecclesia. The only word that has significance to me is friend. I know what a friend is. Its you. Yes I call others friend but only because they show characteristics of you. I see you, my Friend, in each of the people I call friend.
Yet it seems so simple. Is it ok with you if I call you Friend. Dad and Father still have such bad connotations, although you show me what that is as well.
Thank you for being my Friend.
Thank you for showing others how to be my friend.
Thank you for being.

Friends

Jesus
You are good to me when I deserve it least. I really don't understand it. Last semester I felt so close to you, but this semester I feel so far away. I don't read my Bible, I don't even pray. I am living life as if you don't exist. But somehow you still manage to put people in my life that are amazing.
Thank you for friends that inspire me to strive toward you. Thank you for friends that tell me who I am in you when I have forgotten. I have become very good at talking like I know whats up, when really- I at a complete loss.
Lord I wish I could be rid of words for a while so that I can truly learn to live what I believe and not say anything. Help me to shut my mouth and not pretend like I know the answers when, clearly, I don't have the faintest idea.
Thank you for listening to me.
You are good.