A little apprehensive...

Isaiah- I just talked to Val, she came for lunch. I had no idea so much was progressing with the two of you. I will be in prayer that God directs both of your paths and guards your hearts and minds.

Jesus-
thank you for the friends that I have and your incredible timing in bringing them to comfort me. Bless Boo as she continues in her job and learns to be patient with the lil people. Be with Val and Isaiah as they both try to figure out their lives and their paths, be it together or apart, emotionally, physically and relationally. Thank you for the surprises that change our lives and our minds unexpectantly. Bless both of their work.

I am learning more and more how selfish I am. On the brightside, I am starting to become honest with myself and in turn becoming more and more honest with the people around me. I want to be able to call out what I do and feel without constantly comparing it to what I think I "should" think or feel. I want to be free to be me. I think that until I am honest with myself all the time, I wont be able to change myself into who I would like to be- More like you. If Im not honest with myself, I wont know where to start in becoming more like you.

The funny part is that I know that the simple realization of wanting to be real and knowing I'm not- is a step in teh right direction to becoming more like you. By realizing how much I fall short of who you are, the more I realize how much I need to change, the more I selfish I see that I am, brings me closer to you and molds me more into who you want me to be.

I need to know that I am your beloved.
I want to know that I am lovable by males.
I need a Christian support.
I want my family.
I need food.
I want to be able to go out.

the list goes on- thank you for completly taking care of my needs and helping me realize that what I thought were my needs, are actually my wants.

It hurts, but strip me of what you don't want in my life and show me your faithfulness faithfully. You are having to teach me faithfulness personally because everyone else has been unfaithful. I want to be like you. I am really scared that I will wake up one morning and find that you as well have forgotten me. Teach me to think in the truth of who I am, who you created me to be.

If Im worth your time, I should be worth the time of people around me. Please teach me from the inside out that I matter and that I am worth more than what i have always been taught and think. You have put people/voices in my life to speak truth and teach me who I am. Let those voices grow strong and loud and the others to fade and disappear.

Thank you that other people have started calling me Your favorite. It is so nice to hear that other people believe it and in turn, I think I am starting to really believe it as well.

Yours Always,
Ecclesia

Blessed

Food
vacation
amazing places to stay
a bed every night
friends who love me
money
car
job(s)
manicure
Jamba
mentors who care
family
sisters
Lanette keeping her baby
my own room
house mates
scrabble on vacation
James helping me move
Out to lunch
Dinner dates
groceries
cookies
Seeing Katie(s)

you have blessed me beyond measure, I know because I just tried and the words do you know justice. They don't even begin to tell of your greatness. I am your favorite. On me your favor rests. It does not make any sense to me.

The letter that came in the mail today- the one with bad news that made me cry... help me to see your will in all of this. Help me not to forget how faithful you have been. I want to remember your goodness when its hard. I want to trust you when there doesn't seem to be a way out. You are my only hope. You are all I have.

Please give me direction on what to do. I am going to ask James to come over today and pray with me about it. Maybe he will have an idea on what to do. I don't want to go around sharing my problems with everyone and whining about the situation I am in. However, if you have outside help for me, show me who I need to talk to. Make it clear.

Somehow in my lack, in my need, and in my debt- be glorified. May myself and others praise you for who you are. For your faithfulness and provision. I don't know what my options are. If its to drop out of school- may you be glorified. If its to work many more jobs- provide the opportunity. If it to take out another lone- make that clear.

I don't know how I will make it- but I trust you.

whether I win or lose, starve or feast- may you be glorified in my life and in all that I do.

Thank you for your many blessings.

You are good.