Today I went for a walk. I didnt walk on the path. I had no traceable route. I just walked. I didnt have my phone. I didnt even walk beside the path. I made my own. At one point I walked straight through a baseball field. I even crossed the street not at a crosswalk. Scandalous. I know.
This may not seem like a big deal. But for me, it was. For many reasons:
1. I was walking. Which, if you think about it, is a form of exercise. Which I don't usually do. But it is the 2nd time this week. Maybe we are on to something here...
2.) I went off the path. I have firmly held for a long time that paths are made for a reason. The distance is measured, so even if I dont know how far I walked who ever built the sidewalk would know. They would have it all measured and direct. But walking on my own path there was no distance measured. I could have walked 5 miles. Or maybe 1/4 mile. Who knows?! This is frightening and it happened.
C. No traceable route. I could have been murdered. I had no route. I didnt tell anyone I was going. I didnt take my phone. I was free from it all. Just me. (And the key to my apartment tied to my shirt, securely hidden.- well Im not a idiot!) More than a few times did the thought cross my mind that I could be kidnapped. But that was all part of the excitement.
d- I walked across a baseball field. This has always been a big no no. walk around, not through as to not mess up the field. I have respect for a good baseball field. Mind you the one I walked through wasn't nice, but conceptually it was wrong.
5. Jay walking?! Isn't that against the law? need I say more?
I have known for a long time now that I am, in fact, a little bit of a control freak. I rarely ride in the passenger seat, as I like to drive. I follow the rules, I'm hardly even ever rude to people. And if I think I am I apologize before they even know I was rude. I calculate risk in everything I do. I don't dream to big unless I put the dream in a realistic time frame from the start. I may be planning a big nice vacation, but I know it wont happen until 2016- if we save on schedule.
I make lists in my sleep. For everything. To be organized. And it still bothering me that I tried to go against myself and number the list above funky. I don't like it. But now I wrote about it, so I'll keep it. It now has a reason for being that way.
I met someone a while back. And the more I get to know this person, the more I realize how different we are. A recent conversation went like this:
friend "Hey. What are you up to today?"
Me "Oh, not much. Grocery shopping. Home. Dinner. What are you up to?"
friend "Not sure. Im thinking I'll go see a friend. Maybe get a tatoo. We'll see."
Me "A tatoo? Really? How fun! Of what? Where?"
friend "Not sure yet. I have a few ideas, but we'll see."
ok. wait.
Did you catch that? Maybe get a tatoo. Not sure of what. or where?! I have been thinking about getting a tatoo for over 10 years now and havent... for many reasons. (I can provide a list of reasons if you'd like.)
And this friend is just gunna go. Just waltz into a parlor close their eyes point to a body part and say what they'd like a tatoo of. (ok, maybe that was a bit dramatic.)
But it got me to thinking. I would really like to be more sporadic. More of a jumper than a calculated risk taker.
So today I did. I went for a walk. Craziness ensued.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Bookends
There are times in life that really make me think. Times where everything stands still and I am lost in the moment. I can usually count on these times happening at big occasions. Like weddings, when someone dies and in those few times I have seen a baby be born.
Always at the start of something new. The opening of a new chapter in life. Or the end of one. The bookends.
The bookends are important. They are the focal point in a glance. The way we judge books by their cover. If someone is born into an abusive family, mom is on coke, dad is deadbeat- then it is easy to view the life with sadness. Doom the life from the start. The bookends are bad, so the book must be. Where if someone is born into a right standing home, both parents are happy church goin folk- what a celebration of life! This child is destined to be great. Beautiful bookends.
But what about the stuff written on the page? The ups and downs the twists and turns the exciting parts. What about the stories that tug at your heart and wish you could solve all the problems?
There are times in our life when we have big choices to make. What we do in those moments how we handle ourselves is what shows our character, builds our character. Our choices show who we really are. Even if it is something we got ourselves into, there is a moment in time where we have to make a choice.
There was a time in my life where I was seeing a man who I really liked. He made me smile so much. We would make each other laugh. We could talk for hours. I learned so much from him. He learned a lot from me. We would go to lunch- and we never had enough time cause we were so lost in getting to know each other. He was older than me *cough*twicemyage*cough* but it was ok. I fell for him. Even though I knew it would never work. I enjoyed the mystery. The adventure. I even became good friends with his wife.
Donald Miller has a book on the elements of story. It is a really good book called "A million miles in a thousand years" In the book he talks about how we have to make things happen. We cant expect our life to be full of adventure and have great stories to tell when we are old if all we do is sit in front of the TV. We cant wait for our story to happen. If we want a good story then it requires an aspect of risk. It requires us to own up to the hard truths about our daily lives and make the difference.
Kind of makes me want to quit my job and move to Africa. Or New York. Scratch that- I would really rather not live in NY.
We have to make our story.
Im not good at being super transparent. Which is a good thing if you want to protect yourself and a bad thing if you want anyone to know the real you.
For example- the story of the man above. Raise your hand if you knew that? Very few. I dont know who reads that but you may still be in shock that it happened- or better yet, that I posted it on the interwebs.
Anyway.
I am a planner. I like to make to-do lists and do them, in order. I like to figure out how a person works and operates and then associate with them in a way where there are no surprises. I like to be in control. [this is not a good thing] So when things happen, when life happens and I am not in control. When I didnt plan far enough in advance. I freak out a little.
I shut down. I get introspective and wonder at what I am supposed to do. I try frantically to make a plan. My brain races. I get lost in myself trying to figure out the next game plan. I try to see the bookends. I try to figure out what the last chapter says so that I can get the story back on track. I blog to find out what I am thinking.
Right now I am at a loss. Here are the facts in list form:
Death in the family
Separation from family
New home
New friends [how to relate? how to get to know them?... more on this later]
work - what am I doing?
the list goes on, but I just got scared that someone might actually read this so I stopped.
Sigh. When there is so much going on in my head and heart how do I organize the information in a safe way?
I want to get it all out and then look at it and only pick up the good pieces. But its all apart of me so there is nothing I can really give up.
I am looking at the bookends of my life and sizing it up. My story may have to over compensate for the bookends.
How do I make the story good? How do I make it interesting?
And there, there is my fatal flaw. I really do live as though I am the one writting it. I think I can make it all well. Figure out the last chapter but I cant.
I just hope that I dont ruin too many other stories in trying to figure out my own.
Always at the start of something new. The opening of a new chapter in life. Or the end of one. The bookends.
The bookends are important. They are the focal point in a glance. The way we judge books by their cover. If someone is born into an abusive family, mom is on coke, dad is deadbeat- then it is easy to view the life with sadness. Doom the life from the start. The bookends are bad, so the book must be. Where if someone is born into a right standing home, both parents are happy church goin folk- what a celebration of life! This child is destined to be great. Beautiful bookends.
But what about the stuff written on the page? The ups and downs the twists and turns the exciting parts. What about the stories that tug at your heart and wish you could solve all the problems?
There are times in our life when we have big choices to make. What we do in those moments how we handle ourselves is what shows our character, builds our character. Our choices show who we really are. Even if it is something we got ourselves into, there is a moment in time where we have to make a choice.
There was a time in my life where I was seeing a man who I really liked. He made me smile so much. We would make each other laugh. We could talk for hours. I learned so much from him. He learned a lot from me. We would go to lunch- and we never had enough time cause we were so lost in getting to know each other. He was older than me *cough*twicemyage*cough* but it was ok. I fell for him. Even though I knew it would never work. I enjoyed the mystery. The adventure. I even became good friends with his wife.
Donald Miller has a book on the elements of story. It is a really good book called "A million miles in a thousand years" In the book he talks about how we have to make things happen. We cant expect our life to be full of adventure and have great stories to tell when we are old if all we do is sit in front of the TV. We cant wait for our story to happen. If we want a good story then it requires an aspect of risk. It requires us to own up to the hard truths about our daily lives and make the difference.
Kind of makes me want to quit my job and move to Africa. Or New York. Scratch that- I would really rather not live in NY.
We have to make our story.
Im not good at being super transparent. Which is a good thing if you want to protect yourself and a bad thing if you want anyone to know the real you.
For example- the story of the man above. Raise your hand if you knew that? Very few. I dont know who reads that but you may still be in shock that it happened- or better yet, that I posted it on the interwebs.
Anyway.
I am a planner. I like to make to-do lists and do them, in order. I like to figure out how a person works and operates and then associate with them in a way where there are no surprises. I like to be in control. [this is not a good thing] So when things happen, when life happens and I am not in control. When I didnt plan far enough in advance. I freak out a little.
I shut down. I get introspective and wonder at what I am supposed to do. I try frantically to make a plan. My brain races. I get lost in myself trying to figure out the next game plan. I try to see the bookends. I try to figure out what the last chapter says so that I can get the story back on track. I blog to find out what I am thinking.
Right now I am at a loss. Here are the facts in list form:
Death in the family
Separation from family
New home
New friends [how to relate? how to get to know them?... more on this later]
work - what am I doing?
the list goes on, but I just got scared that someone might actually read this so I stopped.
Sigh. When there is so much going on in my head and heart how do I organize the information in a safe way?
I want to get it all out and then look at it and only pick up the good pieces. But its all apart of me so there is nothing I can really give up.
I am looking at the bookends of my life and sizing it up. My story may have to over compensate for the bookends.
How do I make the story good? How do I make it interesting?
And there, there is my fatal flaw. I really do live as though I am the one writting it. I think I can make it all well. Figure out the last chapter but I cant.
I just hope that I dont ruin too many other stories in trying to figure out my own.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thoughts on Indebtedness and Life
I am so thankful and highly indebted to many of my friends. I was aware of this indebtedness not long ago. I have an outlet in friends. Im these friends I am free to talk, to joke, to be myself and know that at the end of the day, I will still have friends. I look back on some of the things I have said, done and joked about and wonder that I am not alone and destitute. To these, I say thank you.
Jeff, the love of my life! I am so indebted to your kindness and generosity! You have borne the scorn of many my haste decisions and still choose me over all others. You are faithful to me and have taught me the truth in friendship and love. I am so in love with you!
Garrett and Paul who were my first lasting friends at Vanguard, thank you for putting up with me and pressing though. For being a constant friend even when it was hard. I know now that I was the awkward attached clingy girl who was by no means modest in my opinion and emotion and lacked the reserve I should have had. I made you both awkward more times than we can count. I know that those experiences have led us to the depth of relationship that we have now, but I wonder if it would have been a bit more mature, had I been.
Val, Boo and Keck- I think so highly of each of you and respect you to the greatest degree. I would not be the woman I am today without such encouraging friends as you (if that is a good thing or bad thing I am still working out- however please take it as a compliment rather than accusation.) You have heard my raw opinion on life, love, religion, relationships, flowers, men, and school more often than any others ever dare. You accept me, and disciple me and you have the right to do so. You are my closest and dearest friends though distance has come between us. I know, should ever the occasion arise, that I can come to you in an instant.
Isaiah, my heart is grieved over the chasm between us. I know not how to repair and mend the situation. I don't know if it is possible, or wanted. I do not know where to begin or what to say. My silence had been one of thought, concern and grief, not indifference. However wide the distance now, does not change the impact of your friendship with me in the past. You taught me how to think about things that I never thought to think of. Question what before was unquestionable and look at life through lens of other colors. It is for you I am thankful to high degree, and miss more than words can express.
There are so many others that I am indebted to for teaching me friendship and who have walked life with me when there was no reward in it for them. I do not understand this commitment, but know that for them I would do the same. Not for the debt, but for love.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Jeff, the love of my life! I am so indebted to your kindness and generosity! You have borne the scorn of many my haste decisions and still choose me over all others. You are faithful to me and have taught me the truth in friendship and love. I am so in love with you!
Garrett and Paul who were my first lasting friends at Vanguard, thank you for putting up with me and pressing though. For being a constant friend even when it was hard. I know now that I was the awkward attached clingy girl who was by no means modest in my opinion and emotion and lacked the reserve I should have had. I made you both awkward more times than we can count. I know that those experiences have led us to the depth of relationship that we have now, but I wonder if it would have been a bit more mature, had I been.
Val, Boo and Keck- I think so highly of each of you and respect you to the greatest degree. I would not be the woman I am today without such encouraging friends as you (if that is a good thing or bad thing I am still working out- however please take it as a compliment rather than accusation.) You have heard my raw opinion on life, love, religion, relationships, flowers, men, and school more often than any others ever dare. You accept me, and disciple me and you have the right to do so. You are my closest and dearest friends though distance has come between us. I know, should ever the occasion arise, that I can come to you in an instant.
Isaiah, my heart is grieved over the chasm between us. I know not how to repair and mend the situation. I don't know if it is possible, or wanted. I do not know where to begin or what to say. My silence had been one of thought, concern and grief, not indifference. However wide the distance now, does not change the impact of your friendship with me in the past. You taught me how to think about things that I never thought to think of. Question what before was unquestionable and look at life through lens of other colors. It is for you I am thankful to high degree, and miss more than words can express.
There are so many others that I am indebted to for teaching me friendship and who have walked life with me when there was no reward in it for them. I do not understand this commitment, but know that for them I would do the same. Not for the debt, but for love.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas
A few years ago I made the realization that if i wanted to be a certain person in 5 or 10 years, I needed to start becoming that person.
So I thought about it. I thought about who I wanted to be. What kind of character? What is important? What do I want to value? And then I took a good hard look at my life. I thought about who I was. What did I think was important? What was my character really like? What did I value?
What a shocker! It would be nice and easy to say that I was who I wanted to be, but alas... I was far from! So I started small, let those small things become habit and second nature and then worked on more stuff.
Then life happened. I forgot about my list and started trying to put out fires instead of living intentionally. The things that were habit, were second nature... they started to fade. I started becoming a person I didn't want to be without realizing it.
Until today. I realized it today.
I was hanging up 9 Christmas cards that we received from various friends and family. Some had heartfelt thoughts inside, some where the picture kind, but all of them reminded me that I wanted to send out Christmas cards every year. And I didn't.
I almost cried. I know that a lot of people don't send out cards and its not a big deal, but in my mind, people who send out cards have it together. They are on top of things. They planned for Christmas cards to be sent out and then executed the plan.
I feel inadequate.
And yes, Christmas cards are what made me rethink my entire philosophy on life. Who am I? What do I want to be? What kind of person?
Those are hard questions when I then have to face them and answer that who I am is in fact NOT who I want to be.
I want to speak truth into people's lives, even when its hard.
I want to be positive and loving.
I want to love on people who think they don't deserve it.
I want my husband to come home to a clean room.
I want to make the bed everyday.
I want to keep trash out of my car.
I want to keep in touch with friends.
I want to send out Christmas cards.
Small things really, but they are small things that really say something about a person. Defining things that mean a lot. If not to anyone else, they are important to me.
I wonder if it is socially acceptable to send out Christmas cards after Christmas is over? Would they then just be misplaced greeting cards?
Who do you want to be? Who are you now? What small changes can you make to move towards the person of character that you want?
So I thought about it. I thought about who I wanted to be. What kind of character? What is important? What do I want to value? And then I took a good hard look at my life. I thought about who I was. What did I think was important? What was my character really like? What did I value?
What a shocker! It would be nice and easy to say that I was who I wanted to be, but alas... I was far from! So I started small, let those small things become habit and second nature and then worked on more stuff.
Then life happened. I forgot about my list and started trying to put out fires instead of living intentionally. The things that were habit, were second nature... they started to fade. I started becoming a person I didn't want to be without realizing it.
Until today. I realized it today.
I was hanging up 9 Christmas cards that we received from various friends and family. Some had heartfelt thoughts inside, some where the picture kind, but all of them reminded me that I wanted to send out Christmas cards every year. And I didn't.
I almost cried. I know that a lot of people don't send out cards and its not a big deal, but in my mind, people who send out cards have it together. They are on top of things. They planned for Christmas cards to be sent out and then executed the plan.
I feel inadequate.
And yes, Christmas cards are what made me rethink my entire philosophy on life. Who am I? What do I want to be? What kind of person?
Those are hard questions when I then have to face them and answer that who I am is in fact NOT who I want to be.
I want to speak truth into people's lives, even when its hard.
I want to be positive and loving.
I want to love on people who think they don't deserve it.
I want my husband to come home to a clean room.
I want to make the bed everyday.
I want to keep trash out of my car.
I want to keep in touch with friends.
I want to send out Christmas cards.
Small things really, but they are small things that really say something about a person. Defining things that mean a lot. If not to anyone else, they are important to me.
I wonder if it is socially acceptable to send out Christmas cards after Christmas is over? Would they then just be misplaced greeting cards?
Who do you want to be? Who are you now? What small changes can you make to move towards the person of character that you want?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Confessions
I am that girl.
I live with my friends.
I hand over a huge wad of coupons at the store, and smile.
I sing really loud in the car.
I make faces in the mirror when I brush my teeth.
I cried today hearing the story of the walls of Jericho.
I enjoy facial-expression wars with a certain 1 year old.
I adore waking up to the sound of giggling girls in the other room.
I could listen to stories for hours on end.
I miss my friends and family, but am so happy where I am.
I would wear jeans and chucks everyday if I could.
Crisp cold air makes me giddy.
If it is raining, you can bet my heart is happy.
I want to be the best wife imaginable to Jeff Weltman.
Speaking of, I have the most amazing husband.
Watching a 3 year old learn to spell is fascinating.
I admire Delaina Butler, and want to be like her when I grow up.
Christmas has always been sobering for me, but I look forward to a happy Christmas, one day.
Cheese-Its and apple sauce is a favorite snack.
As well as Blue Doritos and cream cheese [warm].
I dream about having my own home and decorating guest rooms.
In everything I try to find a game or adventure.
Eating out is a treat and always special.
I will randomly dance in the kitchen, simply because its my favorite room in a house.
Dancing with Brooke and Madeline is super fun.
I am that girl.
I live with my friends.
I hand over a huge wad of coupons at the store, and smile.
I sing really loud in the car.
I make faces in the mirror when I brush my teeth.
I cried today hearing the story of the walls of Jericho.
I enjoy facial-expression wars with a certain 1 year old.
I adore waking up to the sound of giggling girls in the other room.
I could listen to stories for hours on end.
I miss my friends and family, but am so happy where I am.
I would wear jeans and chucks everyday if I could.
Crisp cold air makes me giddy.
If it is raining, you can bet my heart is happy.
I want to be the best wife imaginable to Jeff Weltman.
Speaking of, I have the most amazing husband.
Watching a 3 year old learn to spell is fascinating.
I admire Delaina Butler, and want to be like her when I grow up.
Christmas has always been sobering for me, but I look forward to a happy Christmas, one day.
Cheese-Its and apple sauce is a favorite snack.
As well as Blue Doritos and cream cheese [warm].
I dream about having my own home and decorating guest rooms.
In everything I try to find a game or adventure.
Eating out is a treat and always special.
I will randomly dance in the kitchen, simply because its my favorite room in a house.
Dancing with Brooke and Madeline is super fun.
I am that girl.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Life in Texas
We moved to Texas.
There was a great big dream that we pitched to everyone who told us we were crazy. "In Texas, the economy is a lot better, we can own a home and have a family. We know people out there, it will be great!"
Well, it sounds wonderful doesn't it? But alas, the road to "BIG DREAM" is bumpy. Husband and I are confident that it will still happen but the "when" part is a bit iffy.
The job husband came out here for didn't work out. about a month after I got here, they let him go. Turns out the economy is yucky all over the nation.
A home... I have found that my home is in heaven... and my earthly home is in my husband's arms. As for a house of our own, it will take finding a job. Really. Once we make an alright income- BAM! new home. Really. We talked with a home builder lady and found out that we can own a new home (built for us, I get to pick carpet and tile and paint...) for $500 down, and $950 a month. A new house for $118K. No joke. And don't me started on the Repo houses... $85K for a house we LOVE! Now, if only we had money...
Having a family is something we think about a lot. In certain times in life the only things that really get us through is our ability to dream. "What if?" *smile* We are both set on letting God build our family. When He sees it time to grow us into 3 (or 4) He will bless us with a baby. Until then, husband and I dream a lot and talk about how we want to raise said family. What our traditions will be etc.
I don't know what I was thinking when I told people that we "knew so many people" out here. Relationships that go unattended don't grow. Thankfully there is one relationship that has not only been salvageable, but has grown and is such a huge blessing. For a long time out here I was so upset that I didn't have friends. And somehow I lost my ability to make friends. So this on relationship has been a life saver! Someone to talk to, laugh with and cry with. God is amazing!
Life in Texas isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't easy. It isn't happy all the time. There are times when I get so mad that I gave up all I had in California. Times I cry hard knowing that I had a home and people knew they could come over.
But in this time of grieving, loss, heartache, and disappointment there is surfacing a peace, joy, determination and strength that I never knew I had. I am learning to be more grateful than ever before. learning to let others bless me, reach out to me and love on me. I am uncomfortable enough to learn. Brave enough to hold on. And excited to see what the future holds.
This is my new life in Texas.
There was a great big dream that we pitched to everyone who told us we were crazy. "In Texas, the economy is a lot better, we can own a home and have a family. We know people out there, it will be great!"
Well, it sounds wonderful doesn't it? But alas, the road to "BIG DREAM" is bumpy. Husband and I are confident that it will still happen but the "when" part is a bit iffy.
The job husband came out here for didn't work out. about a month after I got here, they let him go. Turns out the economy is yucky all over the nation.
A home... I have found that my home is in heaven... and my earthly home is in my husband's arms. As for a house of our own, it will take finding a job. Really. Once we make an alright income- BAM! new home. Really. We talked with a home builder lady and found out that we can own a new home (built for us, I get to pick carpet and tile and paint...) for $500 down, and $950 a month. A new house for $118K. No joke. And don't me started on the Repo houses... $85K for a house we LOVE! Now, if only we had money...
Having a family is something we think about a lot. In certain times in life the only things that really get us through is our ability to dream. "What if?" *smile* We are both set on letting God build our family. When He sees it time to grow us into 3 (or 4) He will bless us with a baby. Until then, husband and I dream a lot and talk about how we want to raise said family. What our traditions will be etc.
I don't know what I was thinking when I told people that we "knew so many people" out here. Relationships that go unattended don't grow. Thankfully there is one relationship that has not only been salvageable, but has grown and is such a huge blessing. For a long time out here I was so upset that I didn't have friends. And somehow I lost my ability to make friends. So this on relationship has been a life saver! Someone to talk to, laugh with and cry with. God is amazing!
Life in Texas isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't easy. It isn't happy all the time. There are times when I get so mad that I gave up all I had in California. Times I cry hard knowing that I had a home and people knew they could come over.
But in this time of grieving, loss, heartache, and disappointment there is surfacing a peace, joy, determination and strength that I never knew I had. I am learning to be more grateful than ever before. learning to let others bless me, reach out to me and love on me. I am uncomfortable enough to learn. Brave enough to hold on. And excited to see what the future holds.
This is my new life in Texas.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Life, WTF?
Today is day 54 in my life as a wife.
In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.
It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.
I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?
My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?
My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?
But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.
Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.
No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.
In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.
It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.
I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?
My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?
My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?
But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.
Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.
No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.
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