Today is day 54 in my life as a wife.
In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.
It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.
I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?
My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?
My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?
But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.
Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.
No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
How to Train Your Dragon
How to train your dragon.
I went with my husband to see this movie tonight. Its about a kid who looks at the world differently that everyone else around him. He discovers something that no one he knows would ever believe and he turns from being the outcast- the shame taker- to being the hero. all because he choose to see his world differently that what he was taught.
Who knew this movie would speak so loudly to me?
I am still working it over in my mind. There are things in my life that I do or try to do because it is required of me. But I'm just not good at them. People who are good at it don't understand why its hard for me.
Bad example: Fashion. I am lost when it comes to fashion. My thought is, if it fits, and its not floral print- we should be good. Better yet, if it fits, and is comfy, and its a solid color: Best. Outfit. Ever. Clearly people make millions by simply disagreeing with me. But if it doesn't fit, and its not comfy, why bother?
So I wore Converse Chuck Taylors on my wedding day.
But there are other things that I am not so sure who I feel about, or rather- I know how I feel about it, but its not really acceptable by most to even talk about it.
Like how church is run.
Like how we treat the homeless.
Like how often we open our doors to strangers.
Like how important our possessions are.
I just don't understand.
Someone once told me that I was crazy for having people over for dinner all the time. "You don't make much money, don't you need to save it so you can survive?" or "You are just throwing your money away, as a christian you should be more wise with your money."
Poppy-cock.
Why?!
Are we not meant to take care of those around us? Are we just lucky to be who we are? Or are we called to something that has never been done before? Live in a new way that will change the planet as we know it?
What do your dragons look like? How will you train them?
I went with my husband to see this movie tonight. Its about a kid who looks at the world differently that everyone else around him. He discovers something that no one he knows would ever believe and he turns from being the outcast- the shame taker- to being the hero. all because he choose to see his world differently that what he was taught.
Who knew this movie would speak so loudly to me?
I am still working it over in my mind. There are things in my life that I do or try to do because it is required of me. But I'm just not good at them. People who are good at it don't understand why its hard for me.
Bad example: Fashion. I am lost when it comes to fashion. My thought is, if it fits, and its not floral print- we should be good. Better yet, if it fits, and is comfy, and its a solid color: Best. Outfit. Ever. Clearly people make millions by simply disagreeing with me. But if it doesn't fit, and its not comfy, why bother?
So I wore Converse Chuck Taylors on my wedding day.
But there are other things that I am not so sure who I feel about, or rather- I know how I feel about it, but its not really acceptable by most to even talk about it.
Like how church is run.
Like how we treat the homeless.
Like how often we open our doors to strangers.
Like how important our possessions are.
I just don't understand.
Someone once told me that I was crazy for having people over for dinner all the time. "You don't make much money, don't you need to save it so you can survive?" or "You are just throwing your money away, as a christian you should be more wise with your money."
Poppy-cock.
Why?!
Are we not meant to take care of those around us? Are we just lucky to be who we are? Or are we called to something that has never been done before? Live in a new way that will change the planet as we know it?
What do your dragons look like? How will you train them?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Adventure
Nine.
That is all. Just 9 days until I am married.
No doubts, no regrets.
Nine.
There are so many things that must be done. I would like to say that they are all in preparation for the wedding. That they all are very important and much be done.
However true that may or may not be, most of them are so everyday.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Make dinner.
Vacuum.
Wash Skip (my car).
And It makes me wonder. Is this it? Is this what life is? Is this my life?
I read my friend Brandon's blog (http://brandonandhistreasures.blogspot.com/) and I had so many things to say. Scriptural things. Heavy profound things.
One foot in front of the other.
Soaring like eagles, running with momentum, and walking with discipline.
Paintings are made one stoke at a time.
Adventures are made one day at a time.
He talked about Indiana Jones and raiding tombs. And I wanted to tell him about how those are moments that are played, but it took years of work, research and discipline before young Indy could take on the rolling boulders in a single bound.
Isn't that how it is? I have talked (mostly listened) to many pastors and heros of the faith, and when they so easily say, "I was in the marines, the police force, was a teacher and now a pastor for the last 25 years." I can't help but wonder....
Clearly they have done a lot. Each of those things take work, hard work. tests. years of schooling.
So what makes up adventure? Where is it? Is it in the class room? Is it in city streets? Is it in the Amazons?
Maybe, adventure is setting a goal that involves risk and working toward it. Being aware of the moments and remembering them, because they are part of the bigger story.
My friend Katie is on a BIG adventure. She is making friends in Washington. (http://moonriverofftoseetheworld.blogspot.com/)
Brandon, mentioned above, is on a BIG adventure. He is caring for orphans in Africa.
And we all are finding our adventures, but sometimes they get labeled strangely and we don't know they are adventures, like work, or marriage, or singleness, or weddings, or...
We all may need more adventures in life. I am going to look for one, a big one... and share the journey.
That is all. Just 9 days until I am married.
No doubts, no regrets.
Nine.
There are so many things that must be done. I would like to say that they are all in preparation for the wedding. That they all are very important and much be done.
However true that may or may not be, most of them are so everyday.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Make dinner.
Vacuum.
Wash Skip (my car).
And It makes me wonder. Is this it? Is this what life is? Is this my life?
I read my friend Brandon's blog (http://brandonandhistreasures.blogspot.com/) and I had so many things to say. Scriptural things. Heavy profound things.
One foot in front of the other.
Soaring like eagles, running with momentum, and walking with discipline.
Paintings are made one stoke at a time.
Adventures are made one day at a time.
He talked about Indiana Jones and raiding tombs. And I wanted to tell him about how those are moments that are played, but it took years of work, research and discipline before young Indy could take on the rolling boulders in a single bound.
Isn't that how it is? I have talked (mostly listened) to many pastors and heros of the faith, and when they so easily say, "I was in the marines, the police force, was a teacher and now a pastor for the last 25 years." I can't help but wonder....
Clearly they have done a lot. Each of those things take work, hard work. tests. years of schooling.
So what makes up adventure? Where is it? Is it in the class room? Is it in city streets? Is it in the Amazons?
Maybe, adventure is setting a goal that involves risk and working toward it. Being aware of the moments and remembering them, because they are part of the bigger story.
My friend Katie is on a BIG adventure. She is making friends in Washington. (http://moonriverofftoseetheworld.blogspot.com/)
Brandon, mentioned above, is on a BIG adventure. He is caring for orphans in Africa.
And we all are finding our adventures, but sometimes they get labeled strangely and we don't know they are adventures, like work, or marriage, or singleness, or weddings, or...
We all may need more adventures in life. I am going to look for one, a big one... and share the journey.
Friday, March 19, 2010
More
There will always be more to learn, more to work on, more to figure out. Always. MORE.
Sometimes, like now, I long for those moments of peace. For that one moment of deep breath that says, "I know there is more, but it doesn't have to be tackled right now."
However.
In the world of big events always coming, there is always more to do. And when those events are over there is more to plan for. Some people call it job security. I call it retarded.
There seems to be so much stress, most probably caused by me, that pushes the MORE syndrome. There is a person, this one person that has become my responsibility. It is my job to know the ins and outs of this person. To know their emotions, facial expressions, likes dislikes, and not just know the facts, but respond to this person with all my emotions, energy and self. It makes it a lot easier that I love this person. But the more I think about it, the more stressful it becomes.
Am I this persons all in all? No.
Am I this persons only source of friendship and love? No.
But I take on the responsibility as though I am. And ...that is a lot for one person.
As the wedding day approaches, the more excited I become, and the more terrified. Do I know what I am doing? Do I understand the weight of the commitment I am about to vow to?
Maybe?
There is no fully knowing until I am in the thick of it. Its like swimming. You can read books on how to do it, watch others do it, walk around in an empty pool... but untill you are submerged in water... how do know if you'll do it right?
I've heard of a few people who learned to swim by being thrown into a pool. They had to learn, or drown. Most learned. However, one person I know, just sank to the bottom and had to be rescued. She still doesn't know how to swim.
Taking the plunge.
There is only one way to know if you'll sink or swim. Jump. My fear, for marriage, is that I'll sink.
I know its unrealistic.
In pre-marriage I am finding that we are a lot healthier in our relationship than I ever thought possible. We have a healthy outlook, and healthy expectations, we communicate well and problem solve well. We both are in it for life, divorce is never an option.
Which really just adds a lot of pressure, but is highly motivating.
Failure is not an option. We will finish, now lets work on finishing well.
From what I am learning about marriage, its all about the hard things in life.
Self sacrifice.
Self discipline.
Self secondness.
Serving.
Choosing love.
All the things that don't come naturally, at least for me. The stuff that I have struggled with for years, the things I never wanted to learn. And now...now those very things are becoming more and more clear. I am in deficit and have no time to learn and make these things part of my character.
"Self-ten-years- younger, You need to start working on this now!"
Wish I would have gotten that memo.
More to work on. More to learn. More to try not to regret. More to bring to the cross.
More.
"Jesus, help me lay it all at your feet. I can't take any more."
Sometimes, like now, I long for those moments of peace. For that one moment of deep breath that says, "I know there is more, but it doesn't have to be tackled right now."
However.
In the world of big events always coming, there is always more to do. And when those events are over there is more to plan for. Some people call it job security. I call it retarded.
There seems to be so much stress, most probably caused by me, that pushes the MORE syndrome. There is a person, this one person that has become my responsibility. It is my job to know the ins and outs of this person. To know their emotions, facial expressions, likes dislikes, and not just know the facts, but respond to this person with all my emotions, energy and self. It makes it a lot easier that I love this person. But the more I think about it, the more stressful it becomes.
Am I this persons all in all? No.
Am I this persons only source of friendship and love? No.
But I take on the responsibility as though I am. And ...that is a lot for one person.
As the wedding day approaches, the more excited I become, and the more terrified. Do I know what I am doing? Do I understand the weight of the commitment I am about to vow to?
Maybe?
There is no fully knowing until I am in the thick of it. Its like swimming. You can read books on how to do it, watch others do it, walk around in an empty pool... but untill you are submerged in water... how do know if you'll do it right?
I've heard of a few people who learned to swim by being thrown into a pool. They had to learn, or drown. Most learned. However, one person I know, just sank to the bottom and had to be rescued. She still doesn't know how to swim.
Taking the plunge.
There is only one way to know if you'll sink or swim. Jump. My fear, for marriage, is that I'll sink.
I know its unrealistic.
In pre-marriage I am finding that we are a lot healthier in our relationship than I ever thought possible. We have a healthy outlook, and healthy expectations, we communicate well and problem solve well. We both are in it for life, divorce is never an option.
Which really just adds a lot of pressure, but is highly motivating.
Failure is not an option. We will finish, now lets work on finishing well.
From what I am learning about marriage, its all about the hard things in life.
Self sacrifice.
Self discipline.
Self secondness.
Serving.
Choosing love.
All the things that don't come naturally, at least for me. The stuff that I have struggled with for years, the things I never wanted to learn. And now...now those very things are becoming more and more clear. I am in deficit and have no time to learn and make these things part of my character.
"Self-ten-years- younger, You need to start working on this now!"
Wish I would have gotten that memo.
More to work on. More to learn. More to try not to regret. More to bring to the cross.
More.
"Jesus, help me lay it all at your feet. I can't take any more."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Broken Beloved
I am beloved.
I am so loved by the creator of the universe that He gave up everything for me and came to my rescue. He gave up everything to become nothing for me. He gave it all for me. His deep passionate love for me compelled him to rescue me.
How undeserving I am. For, how broken am I!
To receive love that is uncomprehending, to accept a gift I do not understand, to hold in my hands a value in which numbers cannot calculate.... Its not fair. Its not fair, its not just... but it is justified by grace. A grace I cannot speak of without breaking down in tears.
Grace, unmerited favor. Grace, a gift given before I even knew the word. Grace, before I could even understand why I needed it or if I wanted it.
How do I respond? How do I respond to a love I do not know, a grace I do not comprehend. How do I live with myself in taking a gift for granted? For taking this gift and trashing it, violating it, molesting grace and perfect love and then... hiding for shame. Hiding for guilt, hiding for a comfort knowing that I can *finally* get what I deserve.
I deserve pain. I deserve punishment. I deserve....
but to open my sun dried eyes, to search over the parched, barren vast of desert that has become my life and see open arms. To see a loving, graceful embrace reaching out for me. To find the oasis of life searching for me in the desert.
To see my lover pursue me into the dry darkness. To hide for shame and hear his voice always calling in the night. To run and hear the pursuit of a chase, I'm not getting far for he is searching after me.
I know but if I turn, his arms will clasp around me. If I lift up my head, his eyes will capture me. If I but whisper his name he will rush to my call. For his love pursues me. His grace follows after me.
I am so loved by the creator of the universe that He gave up everything for me and came to my rescue. He gave up everything to become nothing for me. He gave it all for me. His deep passionate love for me compelled him to rescue me.
How undeserving I am. For, how broken am I!
To receive love that is uncomprehending, to accept a gift I do not understand, to hold in my hands a value in which numbers cannot calculate.... Its not fair. Its not fair, its not just... but it is justified by grace. A grace I cannot speak of without breaking down in tears.
Grace, unmerited favor. Grace, a gift given before I even knew the word. Grace, before I could even understand why I needed it or if I wanted it.
How do I respond? How do I respond to a love I do not know, a grace I do not comprehend. How do I live with myself in taking a gift for granted? For taking this gift and trashing it, violating it, molesting grace and perfect love and then... hiding for shame. Hiding for guilt, hiding for a comfort knowing that I can *finally* get what I deserve.
I deserve pain. I deserve punishment. I deserve....
but to open my sun dried eyes, to search over the parched, barren vast of desert that has become my life and see open arms. To see a loving, graceful embrace reaching out for me. To find the oasis of life searching for me in the desert.
To see my lover pursue me into the dry darkness. To hide for shame and hear his voice always calling in the night. To run and hear the pursuit of a chase, I'm not getting far for he is searching after me.
I know but if I turn, his arms will clasp around me. If I lift up my head, his eyes will capture me. If I but whisper his name he will rush to my call. For his love pursues me. His grace follows after me.
While the son was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
The father felt sorry for his son.
So the father ran to him.
He hugged and kissed his son.
his father saw him coming.
The father felt sorry for his son.
So the father ran to him.
He hugged and kissed his son.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A rose by any other name...
"You make all things new"
It has been years since I have last blogged. I think its about time I did again.
Things are so different than they were years ago. I re-read my blogs and laughed. Things that really worried me then, seem so petty and ridiculous now.
Now... that I'm getting married. Perhaps thats the circle of my life. I'm sure in a few years I will re-read this blog and laugh. Times change, and so do I. (Hi future self!)
I am finding it hard to figure out what i want to blog about. Perhaps a statement of location is in order, a statement of who I am today and whats going on... it will be a great re-starting place.
I am, for the next 87 days, Ecclesia Price.
I work for the Southern California Assemblies of God as the assistant to the Women's Director.
I am a graduate of Vanguard University (but that seems so long ago.)
I am engaged to Jeffrey Scott Weltman.
I am becoming more active in speaking at churches, primarily to women's groups.
I could blog about wedding details, but really... in 88 days... no one will care. And it is not consuming my life. Well, not nearly as much as people seem to think that it should be, or that it is. Planning is coming along. Details are set. People are involved. I am happy with how things are going right now.
In 87 days I will be Mrs. Ecclesia Weltman. Thats crazy to think about. My name changes. I go from Ecclesia Price (Ecclesia meaning "church", Price meaning "fiery warrior") to Ecclesia Weltman (Weltman meaning "man of the world"). I am a firm believer that a person lives up to their name. I am proud to be an Ecclesia (greek: Ekklesia). I suppose that wont change, but what does it mean to be "man of the world"? My paradigm shifts.
I wonder if it is too far streched to say that my new name is a prime example of what the ekklesia should be... different from, but in the world. Living life on the front lines. Incarnational. Throwing religion, condemnation, and hypocracy out the proverbial window and jumping full speed ahead into the lives of the "unclean"... daring to be who Jesus wants us to be. Daring to love on people.
I was born a "fiery warrior" It will always be in my nature. But I will soon become the "church man of the world" and I promise to do right by the name. To be incarnational.
Thats a big name I have coming.
It has been years since I have last blogged. I think its about time I did again.
Things are so different than they were years ago. I re-read my blogs and laughed. Things that really worried me then, seem so petty and ridiculous now.
Now... that I'm getting married. Perhaps thats the circle of my life. I'm sure in a few years I will re-read this blog and laugh. Times change, and so do I. (Hi future self!)
I am finding it hard to figure out what i want to blog about. Perhaps a statement of location is in order, a statement of who I am today and whats going on... it will be a great re-starting place.
I am, for the next 87 days, Ecclesia Price.
I work for the Southern California Assemblies of God as the assistant to the Women's Director.
I am a graduate of Vanguard University (but that seems so long ago.)
I am engaged to Jeffrey Scott Weltman.
I am becoming more active in speaking at churches, primarily to women's groups.
I could blog about wedding details, but really... in 88 days... no one will care. And it is not consuming my life. Well, not nearly as much as people seem to think that it should be, or that it is. Planning is coming along. Details are set. People are involved. I am happy with how things are going right now.
In 87 days I will be Mrs. Ecclesia Weltman. Thats crazy to think about. My name changes. I go from Ecclesia Price (Ecclesia meaning "church", Price meaning "fiery warrior") to Ecclesia Weltman (Weltman meaning "man of the world"). I am a firm believer that a person lives up to their name. I am proud to be an Ecclesia (greek: Ekklesia). I suppose that wont change, but what does it mean to be "man of the world"? My paradigm shifts.
I wonder if it is too far streched to say that my new name is a prime example of what the ekklesia should be... different from, but in the world. Living life on the front lines. Incarnational. Throwing religion, condemnation, and hypocracy out the proverbial window and jumping full speed ahead into the lives of the "unclean"... daring to be who Jesus wants us to be. Daring to love on people.
I was born a "fiery warrior" It will always be in my nature. But I will soon become the "church man of the world" and I promise to do right by the name. To be incarnational.
Thats a big name I have coming.
Friday, June 29, 2007
A little apprehensive...
Isaiah- I just talked to Val, she came for lunch. I had no idea so much was progressing with the two of you. I will be in prayer that God directs both of your paths and guards your hearts and minds.
Jesus-
thank you for the friends that I have and your incredible timing in bringing them to comfort me. Bless Boo as she continues in her job and learns to be patient with the lil people. Be with Val and Isaiah as they both try to figure out their lives and their paths, be it together or apart, emotionally, physically and relationally. Thank you for the surprises that change our lives and our minds unexpectantly. Bless both of their work.
I am learning more and more how selfish I am. On the brightside, I am starting to become honest with myself and in turn becoming more and more honest with the people around me. I want to be able to call out what I do and feel without constantly comparing it to what I think I "should" think or feel. I want to be free to be me. I think that until I am honest with myself all the time, I wont be able to change myself into who I would like to be- More like you. If Im not honest with myself, I wont know where to start in becoming more like you.
The funny part is that I know that the simple realization of wanting to be real and knowing I'm not- is a step in teh right direction to becoming more like you. By realizing how much I fall short of who you are, the more I realize how much I need to change, the more I selfish I see that I am, brings me closer to you and molds me more into who you want me to be.
I need to know that I am your beloved.
I want to know that I am lovable by males.
I need a Christian support.
I want my family.
I need food.
I want to be able to go out.
the list goes on- thank you for completly taking care of my needs and helping me realize that what I thought were my needs, are actually my wants.
It hurts, but strip me of what you don't want in my life and show me your faithfulness faithfully. You are having to teach me faithfulness personally because everyone else has been unfaithful. I want to be like you. I am really scared that I will wake up one morning and find that you as well have forgotten me. Teach me to think in the truth of who I am, who you created me to be.
If Im worth your time, I should be worth the time of people around me. Please teach me from the inside out that I matter and that I am worth more than what i have always been taught and think. You have put people/voices in my life to speak truth and teach me who I am. Let those voices grow strong and loud and the others to fade and disappear.
Thank you that other people have started calling me Your favorite. It is so nice to hear that other people believe it and in turn, I think I am starting to really believe it as well.
Yours Always,
Ecclesia
Jesus-
thank you for the friends that I have and your incredible timing in bringing them to comfort me. Bless Boo as she continues in her job and learns to be patient with the lil people. Be with Val and Isaiah as they both try to figure out their lives and their paths, be it together or apart, emotionally, physically and relationally. Thank you for the surprises that change our lives and our minds unexpectantly. Bless both of their work.
I am learning more and more how selfish I am. On the brightside, I am starting to become honest with myself and in turn becoming more and more honest with the people around me. I want to be able to call out what I do and feel without constantly comparing it to what I think I "should" think or feel. I want to be free to be me. I think that until I am honest with myself all the time, I wont be able to change myself into who I would like to be- More like you. If Im not honest with myself, I wont know where to start in becoming more like you.
The funny part is that I know that the simple realization of wanting to be real and knowing I'm not- is a step in teh right direction to becoming more like you. By realizing how much I fall short of who you are, the more I realize how much I need to change, the more I selfish I see that I am, brings me closer to you and molds me more into who you want me to be.
I need to know that I am your beloved.
I want to know that I am lovable by males.
I need a Christian support.
I want my family.
I need food.
I want to be able to go out.
the list goes on- thank you for completly taking care of my needs and helping me realize that what I thought were my needs, are actually my wants.
It hurts, but strip me of what you don't want in my life and show me your faithfulness faithfully. You are having to teach me faithfulness personally because everyone else has been unfaithful. I want to be like you. I am really scared that I will wake up one morning and find that you as well have forgotten me. Teach me to think in the truth of who I am, who you created me to be.
If Im worth your time, I should be worth the time of people around me. Please teach me from the inside out that I matter and that I am worth more than what i have always been taught and think. You have put people/voices in my life to speak truth and teach me who I am. Let those voices grow strong and loud and the others to fade and disappear.
Thank you that other people have started calling me Your favorite. It is so nice to hear that other people believe it and in turn, I think I am starting to really believe it as well.
Yours Always,
Ecclesia
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