Thoughts on Indebtedness and Life

I am so thankful and highly indebted to many of my friends. I was aware of this indebtedness not long ago. I have an outlet in friends. Im these friends I am free to talk, to joke, to be myself and know that at the end of the day, I will still have friends. I look back on some of the things I have said, done and joked about and wonder that I am not alone and destitute. To these, I say thank you.

Jeff, the love of my life! I am so indebted to your kindness and generosity! You have borne the scorn of many my haste decisions and still choose me over all others. You are faithful to me and have taught me the truth in friendship and love. I am so in love with you!

Garrett and Paul who were my first lasting friends at Vanguard, thank you for putting up with me and pressing though. For being a constant friend even when it was hard. I know now that I was the awkward attached clingy girl who was by no means modest in my opinion and emotion and lacked the reserve I should have had. I made you both awkward more times than we can count. I know that those experiences have led us to the depth of relationship that we have now, but I wonder if it would have been a bit more mature, had I been.

Val, Boo and Keck- I think so highly of each of you and respect you to the greatest degree. I would not be the woman I am today without such encouraging friends as you (if that is a good thing or bad thing I am still working out- however please take it as a compliment rather than accusation.) You have heard my raw opinion on life, love, religion, relationships, flowers, men, and school more often than any others ever dare. You accept me, and disciple me and you have the right to do so. You are my closest and dearest friends though distance has come between us. I know, should ever the occasion arise, that I can come to you in an instant.

Isaiah, my heart is grieved over the chasm between us. I know not how to repair and mend the situation. I don't know if it is possible, or wanted. I do not know where to begin or what to say. My silence had been one of thought, concern and grief, not indifference. However wide the distance now, does not change the impact of your friendship with me in the past. You taught me how to think about things that I never thought to think of. Question what before was unquestionable and look at life through lens of other colors. It is for you I am thankful to high degree, and miss more than words can express.

There are so many others that I am indebted to for teaching me friendship and who have walked life with me when there was no reward in it for them. I do not understand this commitment, but know that for them I would do the same. Not for the debt, but for love.

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Christmas

A few years ago I made the realization that if i wanted to be a certain person in 5 or 10 years, I needed to start becoming that person.

So I thought about it. I thought about who I wanted to be. What kind of character? What is important? What do I want to value? And then I took a good hard look at my life. I thought about who I was. What did I think was important? What was my character really like? What did I value?

What a shocker! It would be nice and easy to say that I was who I wanted to be, but alas... I was far from! So I started small, let those small things become habit and second nature and then worked on more stuff.

Then life happened. I forgot about my list and started trying to put out fires instead of living intentionally. The things that were habit, were second nature... they started to fade. I started becoming a person I didn't want to be without realizing it.

Until today. I realized it today.

I was hanging up 9 Christmas cards that we received from various friends and family. Some had heartfelt thoughts inside, some where the picture kind, but all of them reminded me that I wanted to send out Christmas cards every year. And I didn't.

I almost cried. I know that a lot of people don't send out cards and its not a big deal, but in my mind, people who send out cards have it together. They are on top of things. They planned for Christmas cards to be sent out and then executed the plan.

I feel inadequate.

And yes, Christmas cards are what made me rethink my entire philosophy on life. Who am I? What do I want to be? What kind of person?

Those are hard questions when I then have to face them and answer that who I am is in fact NOT who I want to be.

I want to speak truth into people's lives, even when its hard.
I want to be positive and loving.
I want to love on people who think they don't deserve it.
I want my husband to come home to a clean room.
I want to make the bed everyday.
I want to keep trash out of my car.
I want to keep in touch with friends.
I want to send out Christmas cards.

Small things really, but they are small things that really say something about a person. Defining things that mean a lot. If not to anyone else, they are important to me.

I wonder if it is socially acceptable to send out Christmas cards after Christmas is over? Would they then just be misplaced greeting cards?

Who do you want to be? Who are you now? What small changes can you make to move towards the person of character that you want?

Confessions

I am that girl.

I live with my friends.

I hand over a huge wad of coupons at the store, and smile.

I sing really loud in the car.

I make faces in the mirror when I brush my teeth.

I cried today hearing the story of the walls of Jericho.

I enjoy facial-expression wars with a certain 1 year old.

I adore waking up to the sound of giggling girls in the other room.

I could listen to stories for hours on end.

I miss my friends and family, but am so happy where I am.

I would wear jeans and chucks everyday if I could.

Crisp cold air makes me giddy.

If it is raining, you can bet my heart is happy.

I want to be the best wife imaginable to Jeff Weltman.

Speaking of, I have the most amazing husband.

Watching a 3 year old learn to spell is fascinating.

I admire Delaina Butler, and want to be like her when I grow up.

Christmas has always been sobering for me, but I look forward to a happy Christmas, one day.

Cheese-Its and apple sauce is a favorite snack.

As well as Blue Doritos and cream cheese [warm].

I dream about having my own home and decorating guest rooms.

In everything I try to find a game or adventure.

Eating out is a treat and always special.

I will randomly dance in the kitchen, simply because its my favorite room in a house.

Dancing with Brooke and Madeline is super fun.



I am that girl.

Life in Texas

We moved to Texas.

There was a great big dream that we pitched to everyone who told us we were crazy. "In Texas, the economy is a lot better, we can own a home and have a family. We know people out there, it will be great!"

Well, it sounds wonderful doesn't it? But alas, the road to "BIG DREAM" is bumpy. Husband and I are confident that it will still happen but the "when" part is a bit iffy.

The job husband came out here for didn't work out. about a month after I got here, they let him go. Turns out the economy is yucky all over the nation.

A home... I have found that my home is in heaven... and my earthly home is in my husband's arms. As for a house of our own, it will take finding a job. Really. Once we make an alright income- BAM! new home. Really. We talked with a home builder lady and found out that we can own a new home (built for us, I get to pick carpet and tile and paint...) for $500 down, and $950 a month. A new house for $118K. No joke. And don't me started on the Repo houses... $85K for a house we LOVE! Now, if only we had money...

Having a family is something we think about a lot. In certain times in life the only things that really get us through is our ability to dream. "What if?" *smile* We are both set on letting God build our family. When He sees it time to grow us into 3 (or 4) He will bless us with a baby. Until then, husband and I dream a lot and talk about how we want to raise said family. What our traditions will be etc.

I don't know what I was thinking when I told people that we "knew so many people" out here. Relationships that go unattended don't grow. Thankfully there is one relationship that has not only been salvageable, but has grown and is such a huge blessing. For a long time out here I was so upset that I didn't have friends. And somehow I lost my ability to make friends. So this on relationship has been a life saver! Someone to talk to, laugh with and cry with. God is amazing!

Life in Texas isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't easy. It isn't happy all the time. There are times when I get so mad that I gave up all I had in California. Times I cry hard knowing that I had a home and people knew they could come over.

But in this time of grieving, loss, heartache, and disappointment there is surfacing a peace, joy, determination and strength that I never knew I had. I am learning to be more grateful than ever before. learning to let others bless me, reach out to me and love on me. I am uncomfortable enough to learn. Brave enough to hold on. And excited to see what the future holds.

This is my new life in Texas.

Life, WTF?

Today is day 54 in my life as a wife.

In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.

It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.

I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?

My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?

My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?

But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.

Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.

No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.

How to Train Your Dragon

How to train your dragon.

I went with my husband to see this movie tonight. Its about a kid who looks at the world differently that everyone else around him. He discovers something that no one he knows would ever believe and he turns from being the outcast- the shame taker- to being the hero. all because he choose to see his world differently that what he was taught.

Who knew this movie would speak so loudly to me?

I am still working it over in my mind. There are things in my life that I do or try to do because it is required of me. But I'm just not good at them. People who are good at it don't understand why its hard for me.

Bad example: Fashion. I am lost when it comes to fashion. My thought is, if it fits, and its not floral print- we should be good. Better yet, if it fits, and is comfy, and its a solid color: Best. Outfit. Ever. Clearly people make millions by simply disagreeing with me. But if it doesn't fit, and its not comfy, why bother?

So I wore Converse Chuck Taylors on my wedding day.

But there are other things that I am not so sure who I feel about, or rather- I know how I feel about it, but its not really acceptable by most to even talk about it.

Like how church is run.
Like how we treat the homeless.
Like how often we open our doors to strangers.
Like how important our possessions are.

I just don't understand.

Someone once told me that I was crazy for having people over for dinner all the time. "You don't make much money, don't you need to save it so you can survive?" or "You are just throwing your money away, as a christian you should be more wise with your money."

Poppy-cock.

Why?!

Are we not meant to take care of those around us? Are we just lucky to be who we are? Or are we called to something that has never been done before? Live in a new way that will change the planet as we know it?

What do your dragons look like? How will you train them?

Adventure

Nine.

That is all. Just 9 days until I am married.
No doubts, no regrets.

Nine.

There are so many things that must be done. I would like to say that they are all in preparation for the wedding. That they all are very important and much be done.

However true that may or may not be, most of them are so everyday.

Laundry.
Dishes.
Make dinner.
Vacuum.
Wash Skip (my car).

And It makes me wonder. Is this it? Is this what life is? Is this my life?

I read my friend Brandon's blog (http://brandonandhistreasures.blogspot.com/) and I had so many things to say. Scriptural things. Heavy profound things.

One foot in front of the other.
Soaring like eagles, running with momentum, and walking with discipline.
Paintings are made one stoke at a time.
Adventures are made one day at a time.

He talked about Indiana Jones and raiding tombs. And I wanted to tell him about how those are moments that are played, but it took years of work, research and discipline before young Indy could take on the rolling boulders in a single bound.

Isn't that how it is? I have talked (mostly listened) to many pastors and heros of the faith, and when they so easily say, "I was in the marines, the police force, was a teacher and now a pastor for the last 25 years." I can't help but wonder....

Clearly they have done a lot. Each of those things take work, hard work. tests. years of schooling.

So what makes up adventure? Where is it? Is it in the class room? Is it in city streets? Is it in the Amazons?

Maybe, adventure is setting a goal that involves risk and working toward it. Being aware of the moments and remembering them, because they are part of the bigger story.

My friend Katie is on a BIG adventure. She is making friends in Washington. (http://moonriverofftoseetheworld.blogspot.com/)

Brandon, mentioned above, is on a BIG adventure. He is caring for orphans in Africa.

And we all are finding our adventures, but sometimes they get labeled strangely and we don't know they are adventures, like work, or marriage, or singleness, or weddings, or...

We all may need more adventures in life. I am going to look for one, a big one... and share the journey.