Confessions

I am that girl.

I live with my friends.

I hand over a huge wad of coupons at the store, and smile.

I sing really loud in the car.

I make faces in the mirror when I brush my teeth.

I cried today hearing the story of the walls of Jericho.

I enjoy facial-expression wars with a certain 1 year old.

I adore waking up to the sound of giggling girls in the other room.

I could listen to stories for hours on end.

I miss my friends and family, but am so happy where I am.

I would wear jeans and chucks everyday if I could.

Crisp cold air makes me giddy.

If it is raining, you can bet my heart is happy.

I want to be the best wife imaginable to Jeff Weltman.

Speaking of, I have the most amazing husband.

Watching a 3 year old learn to spell is fascinating.

I admire Delaina Butler, and want to be like her when I grow up.

Christmas has always been sobering for me, but I look forward to a happy Christmas, one day.

Cheese-Its and apple sauce is a favorite snack.

As well as Blue Doritos and cream cheese [warm].

I dream about having my own home and decorating guest rooms.

In everything I try to find a game or adventure.

Eating out is a treat and always special.

I will randomly dance in the kitchen, simply because its my favorite room in a house.

Dancing with Brooke and Madeline is super fun.



I am that girl.

Life in Texas

We moved to Texas.

There was a great big dream that we pitched to everyone who told us we were crazy. "In Texas, the economy is a lot better, we can own a home and have a family. We know people out there, it will be great!"

Well, it sounds wonderful doesn't it? But alas, the road to "BIG DREAM" is bumpy. Husband and I are confident that it will still happen but the "when" part is a bit iffy.

The job husband came out here for didn't work out. about a month after I got here, they let him go. Turns out the economy is yucky all over the nation.

A home... I have found that my home is in heaven... and my earthly home is in my husband's arms. As for a house of our own, it will take finding a job. Really. Once we make an alright income- BAM! new home. Really. We talked with a home builder lady and found out that we can own a new home (built for us, I get to pick carpet and tile and paint...) for $500 down, and $950 a month. A new house for $118K. No joke. And don't me started on the Repo houses... $85K for a house we LOVE! Now, if only we had money...

Having a family is something we think about a lot. In certain times in life the only things that really get us through is our ability to dream. "What if?" *smile* We are both set on letting God build our family. When He sees it time to grow us into 3 (or 4) He will bless us with a baby. Until then, husband and I dream a lot and talk about how we want to raise said family. What our traditions will be etc.

I don't know what I was thinking when I told people that we "knew so many people" out here. Relationships that go unattended don't grow. Thankfully there is one relationship that has not only been salvageable, but has grown and is such a huge blessing. For a long time out here I was so upset that I didn't have friends. And somehow I lost my ability to make friends. So this on relationship has been a life saver! Someone to talk to, laugh with and cry with. God is amazing!

Life in Texas isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't easy. It isn't happy all the time. There are times when I get so mad that I gave up all I had in California. Times I cry hard knowing that I had a home and people knew they could come over.

But in this time of grieving, loss, heartache, and disappointment there is surfacing a peace, joy, determination and strength that I never knew I had. I am learning to be more grateful than ever before. learning to let others bless me, reach out to me and love on me. I am uncomfortable enough to learn. Brave enough to hold on. And excited to see what the future holds.

This is my new life in Texas.

Life, WTF?

Today is day 54 in my life as a wife.

In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.

It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.

I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?

My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?

My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?

But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.

Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.

No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.

How to Train Your Dragon

How to train your dragon.

I went with my husband to see this movie tonight. Its about a kid who looks at the world differently that everyone else around him. He discovers something that no one he knows would ever believe and he turns from being the outcast- the shame taker- to being the hero. all because he choose to see his world differently that what he was taught.

Who knew this movie would speak so loudly to me?

I am still working it over in my mind. There are things in my life that I do or try to do because it is required of me. But I'm just not good at them. People who are good at it don't understand why its hard for me.

Bad example: Fashion. I am lost when it comes to fashion. My thought is, if it fits, and its not floral print- we should be good. Better yet, if it fits, and is comfy, and its a solid color: Best. Outfit. Ever. Clearly people make millions by simply disagreeing with me. But if it doesn't fit, and its not comfy, why bother?

So I wore Converse Chuck Taylors on my wedding day.

But there are other things that I am not so sure who I feel about, or rather- I know how I feel about it, but its not really acceptable by most to even talk about it.

Like how church is run.
Like how we treat the homeless.
Like how often we open our doors to strangers.
Like how important our possessions are.

I just don't understand.

Someone once told me that I was crazy for having people over for dinner all the time. "You don't make much money, don't you need to save it so you can survive?" or "You are just throwing your money away, as a christian you should be more wise with your money."

Poppy-cock.

Why?!

Are we not meant to take care of those around us? Are we just lucky to be who we are? Or are we called to something that has never been done before? Live in a new way that will change the planet as we know it?

What do your dragons look like? How will you train them?

Adventure

Nine.

That is all. Just 9 days until I am married.
No doubts, no regrets.

Nine.

There are so many things that must be done. I would like to say that they are all in preparation for the wedding. That they all are very important and much be done.

However true that may or may not be, most of them are so everyday.

Laundry.
Dishes.
Make dinner.
Vacuum.
Wash Skip (my car).

And It makes me wonder. Is this it? Is this what life is? Is this my life?

I read my friend Brandon's blog (http://brandonandhistreasures.blogspot.com/) and I had so many things to say. Scriptural things. Heavy profound things.

One foot in front of the other.
Soaring like eagles, running with momentum, and walking with discipline.
Paintings are made one stoke at a time.
Adventures are made one day at a time.

He talked about Indiana Jones and raiding tombs. And I wanted to tell him about how those are moments that are played, but it took years of work, research and discipline before young Indy could take on the rolling boulders in a single bound.

Isn't that how it is? I have talked (mostly listened) to many pastors and heros of the faith, and when they so easily say, "I was in the marines, the police force, was a teacher and now a pastor for the last 25 years." I can't help but wonder....

Clearly they have done a lot. Each of those things take work, hard work. tests. years of schooling.

So what makes up adventure? Where is it? Is it in the class room? Is it in city streets? Is it in the Amazons?

Maybe, adventure is setting a goal that involves risk and working toward it. Being aware of the moments and remembering them, because they are part of the bigger story.

My friend Katie is on a BIG adventure. She is making friends in Washington. (http://moonriverofftoseetheworld.blogspot.com/)

Brandon, mentioned above, is on a BIG adventure. He is caring for orphans in Africa.

And we all are finding our adventures, but sometimes they get labeled strangely and we don't know they are adventures, like work, or marriage, or singleness, or weddings, or...

We all may need more adventures in life. I am going to look for one, a big one... and share the journey.

More

There will always be more to learn, more to work on, more to figure out. Always. MORE.

Sometimes, like now, I long for those moments of peace. For that one moment of deep breath that says, "I know there is more, but it doesn't have to be tackled right now."

However.

In the world of big events always coming, there is always more to do. And when those events are over there is more to plan for. Some people call it job security. I call it retarded.

There seems to be so much stress, most probably caused by me, that pushes the MORE syndrome. There is a person, this one person that has become my responsibility. It is my job to know the ins and outs of this person. To know their emotions, facial expressions, likes dislikes, and not just know the facts, but respond to this person with all my emotions, energy and self. It makes it a lot easier that I love this person. But the more I think about it, the more stressful it becomes.

Am I this persons all in all? No.
Am I this persons only source of friendship and love? No.

But I take on the responsibility as though I am. And ...that is a lot for one person.

As the wedding day approaches, the more excited I become, and the more terrified. Do I know what I am doing? Do I understand the weight of the commitment I am about to vow to?

Maybe?

There is no fully knowing until I am in the thick of it. Its like swimming. You can read books on how to do it, watch others do it, walk around in an empty pool... but untill you are submerged in water... how do know if you'll do it right?

I've heard of a few people who learned to swim by being thrown into a pool. They had to learn, or drown. Most learned. However, one person I know, just sank to the bottom and had to be rescued. She still doesn't know how to swim.

Taking the plunge.

There is only one way to know if you'll sink or swim. Jump. My fear, for marriage, is that I'll sink.

I know its unrealistic.

In pre-marriage I am finding that we are a lot healthier in our relationship than I ever thought possible. We have a healthy outlook, and healthy expectations, we communicate well and problem solve well. We both are in it for life, divorce is never an option.

Which really just adds a lot of pressure, but is highly motivating.

Failure is not an option. We will finish, now lets work on finishing well.

From what I am learning about marriage, its all about the hard things in life.

Self sacrifice.
Self discipline.
Self secondness.
Serving.
Choosing love.

All the things that don't come naturally, at least for me. The stuff that I have struggled with for years, the things I never wanted to learn. And now...now those very things are becoming more and more clear. I am in deficit and have no time to learn and make these things part of my character.

"Self-ten-years- younger, You need to start working on this now!"

Wish I would have gotten that memo.

More to work on. More to learn. More to try not to regret. More to bring to the cross.

More.

"Jesus, help me lay it all at your feet. I can't take any more."

Broken Beloved

I am beloved.

I am so loved by the creator of the universe that He gave up everything for me and came to my rescue. He gave up everything to become nothing for me. He gave it all for me. His deep passionate love for me compelled him to rescue me.

How undeserving I am. For, how broken am I!

To receive love that is uncomprehending, to accept a gift I do not understand, to hold in my hands a value in which numbers cannot calculate.... Its not fair. Its not fair, its not just... but it is justified by grace. A grace I cannot speak of without breaking down in tears.

Grace, unmerited favor. Grace, a gift given before I even knew the word. Grace, before I could even understand why I needed it or if I wanted it.

How do I respond? How do I respond to a love I do not know, a grace I do not comprehend. How do I live with myself in taking a gift for granted? For taking this gift and trashing it, violating it, molesting grace and perfect love and then... hiding for shame. Hiding for guilt, hiding for a comfort knowing that I can *finally* get what I deserve.

I deserve pain. I deserve punishment. I deserve....

but to open my sun dried eyes, to search over the parched, barren vast of desert that has become my life and see open arms. To see a loving, graceful embrace reaching out for me. To find the oasis of life searching for me in the desert.

To see my lover pursue me into the dry darkness. To hide for shame and hear his voice always calling in the night. To run and hear the pursuit of a chase, I'm not getting far for he is searching after me.

I know but if I turn, his arms will clasp around me. If I lift up my head, his eyes will capture me. If I but whisper his name he will rush to my call. For his love pursues me. His grace follows after me.

While the son was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
The father felt sorry for his son.
So the father ran to him.
He hugged and kissed his son.