When I was in the third grade I learned a lot more than most of the kids my age. Or, at lease I hope not too many of them had to learn the things I did.
I learned that if mom makes $800 a month and rent is $500... we don't have enough money for legit groceries much less eating out.
I learned that $300 is more than enough when you spend your dollars wisely.
I learned that just because you don't have a lot of money, doesn't mean you're poor, it means you have a lot of room to be creative.
There was a project in the third grade that our class did. It was a fun one (at least I thought so.) Each student brought a dish (for real food) that represented their background. The Latinos brought in yummy tamales and enchiladas... the Italians brought in lasagna and pasta. But for those of us who didn't really know what we were.... we just signed up for "drinks" or "plates" ... That is, until my mom heard about the project. We maybe didn't have a lot of money, but we certainly were not bringing drinks when we could make something for cheaper and would be a lot more fun. I mean, have you seen the price of soda for 30 kids?
But who am I? That was the blessed day I found out that I have a heritage. You may think this is a lame realization... but I was really discovering from whom I came, for the first time. Behold.... I am a Choctaw! Native American and have the paper trail to prove it. (This information would come in handy later in my college years... *Scholarship*)
But what does a Choctaw bring to her 3rd grade potluck? If you were able to answer that question at all, with any sort of answer, you did better than we did. We could not think of how to even find what to bring. Then my mother... stroke of genius... starts talking it out and looking though our kitchen cabinets. On the counter she puts each find with an explanation of how it *totally* works.
Fist potatoes, because we grew our own food and had to make a little go a long way. Then ground beef, because we hunted our food and used every part of the animal. Then she grabbed a can of chili. The stroke of genius kind of ended there, but the creativity continued.
By the time I showed up to class we had a thick meaty chili served over mashed potatoes. It was a little bit embarrassing, cause I knew that we made it up and just knew my teacher would call us out and we would have take our made up dish home in shame.... but then part of me was proud. We used logic (sorta) and what we had available to make something great. And it was great. All of my class mates thought my dish was the best. They all wanted to be Native Americans after that, I told them they would have to settle on being just American.
But how does this rant apply to our lives today? Well, I'll tell ya. Tonight, I made my husband a traditional Choctaw meal, complete with mashed potatoes and chili. And even though I quit my job today, we are a creative bunch, and with God's help we'll make it.
I am so thankful for a mom who taught me how to work with what I have, to be content in all things, and above else, to pray. I remember coming home from school one day to an empty fridge, empty cabinets and my mom cleaning up looking for change to get food for us. We went on a search party and suddenly a depressing situation became a game. We came up with just over $5.00 by the time we searched the whole apartment. When we opened the door to go to the store, there was a box of groceries at our doorstep, we were able to eat of the provision of God. That night at church when everyone was leaving to go home, I was looking for my mom. I found her at the altar crying. I didn't go up to her, but watched her from the back of the sanctuary. There was a friend of the family sitting in the back, waiting for his wife, and he asked me if I was alright. I told him my mom was crying and I thought I should go to her. He told me to sit and wait, She was working it out with God, and needed her tears to express how she felt. As I sat there looking at her I started to cry as well. Jesus had been so good to us, he had provided. I had nothing to give in return, so I gave Jesus my tears.
Life happens, and it is easy to forget what we have and who gave it to us. I know that when I was hungry, God sent his people to feed me. How could I not do the same when I have what someone needs? Even if I have nothing, I can give. Tonight, I give Jesus my tears.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Cookies, Tradition, and why I like going to church
As I type this cookies are baking in the oven. Which is strange in itself, cause I cook, I don't bake. But here I am baking cookies, Chocolate Chip ones. Mmm. While I was making them, mixing the ingredients and thinking about who to send them to, and then started thinking about a few things.
I REALLY like eating cookie dough. Mostly cause I like butter but am too repulsed to eat it straight... but cover it in brown and white sugar and add some vanilla... I am liable to eat it all.
I was reminded that my bestie makes cookies all the time. She tastes the ingredients as she goes along and can tell how the product will turn out by the mini taste tests along the way. I like this method!
Throughout the year at random times my Bestie will bake with her family, usually kinda random (in my mind) but one thing is FOR SURE, when Christmas times comes around they will be making cookies. Lots and lots of cookies. Its their tradition. Somewhere along the way I became part of the tradition. Not that I go to the house and make cookies with them (I'll have to do that someday!) but I am a recipient of said cookies. I eat them over a long span of time. Making them last as long as I can. I share only when I am caught eating them and then only out of common courtesy, not cause I am stoaked about sharing MY cookies. I digress...
So then I started thinking about family traditions with my family. We play this game, Christmas Eve Gift. I think I blogged about it before... But its not as nice as it sounds... We get into this game. The basic idea is on Christmas Eve, when you see or talk to anyone in the family- the first person who says "Christmas Eve Gift" to the other member wins. The loser has to get the winner a Christmas Eve gift. Now some quirks to the game is that there unwritten rules... Not that there are ANY rules actually written... but... You can begin play as soon as the clock strikes 12. When in confusion about who said it first, its whoever says it second, or loudest or whoever gives in and accepts defeat etc... and the kicker... in all the years that I have played this game, I have won countless times (Im pretty stealth) and have only actually received a gift twice. Once from my Uncle, who game me 2 pieces of candy and a pencil, and my Papa who gave my a candy bar... it was a King Size and everything.
But the game wasn't about the presents, or lack there of, it was about the tradition. We play this every year. We call each other from different states, different time zones. Maybe it is about winning all the little matches between members, maybe just a way to connect during the holidays.
Random thought, Christmas Eve is also my sisters birthday, but we showed no mercy. I wonder if anyone in the family has ever said "Happy Birthday" before we screamed "Christmas Eve Gift" waking her from a dead sleep....
All this thought of tradition got me to thinking. Whats the big deal? Why do we care SO much about traditions? Why do I kind of like it when I get a call at 2 in the morning from a family member screaming 3 words at me? Why do I savor the cookies so much? (Besides the fact that they are AMAZING?) Why do I care if people call me on my birthday? Or on a different note, why do I like traditional hymns so much? What is the appeal of the church in the traditional context? Why do we observe the 4th of July?
What makes tradition so appealing? The more I though through it the more personal it became. I like tradition because it makes me apart of something bigger than myself. To have tradition means to have community. And we were created for community! Tradition without community is merely habit. I like being apart of traditions because it makes me feel more connected and alive to the people around me. It tightens the bond, lessens the gap of distance and time.
I can sing Amazing Grace join the choir of thousands who have sang it over the past hundred years. I can eat a cookie and feel the love of a family hundred miles away. I can speak words to a family member I haven't seen in years. This is my community, my tradition.
But how do they start? My husband and I were very excited about coming up with traditions. We would start with our first year and do all this crazy stuff that we would teach our kids and hold to for our whole life.... and then life happened. Ideas we had before were thrown out the window. I worked a 12 hour day on Thanksgiving and on Christmas I was throwing up. I was in a different country for July 4th, Easter was bitter sweet. It was a rough year. But we did it together. We succeeded in making a tradition. Our tradition: Be together. Its my favorite one.
Something I find interesting is that so much of our culture is very interested in breaking traditions. Non-traditional. We pride ourselves on it. For many good reasons, but then again, for maybe some poorly thought out reasons. When it comes to church, there has to be some elements of tradition. I think the parts I like most about church are the traditional parts. Communion, Fellowship, hymns etc.
I never would have thought I would say this, but I like traditions.
Thoughts?
I REALLY like eating cookie dough. Mostly cause I like butter but am too repulsed to eat it straight... but cover it in brown and white sugar and add some vanilla... I am liable to eat it all.
I was reminded that my bestie makes cookies all the time. She tastes the ingredients as she goes along and can tell how the product will turn out by the mini taste tests along the way. I like this method!
Throughout the year at random times my Bestie will bake with her family, usually kinda random (in my mind) but one thing is FOR SURE, when Christmas times comes around they will be making cookies. Lots and lots of cookies. Its their tradition. Somewhere along the way I became part of the tradition. Not that I go to the house and make cookies with them (I'll have to do that someday!) but I am a recipient of said cookies. I eat them over a long span of time. Making them last as long as I can. I share only when I am caught eating them and then only out of common courtesy, not cause I am stoaked about sharing MY cookies. I digress...
So then I started thinking about family traditions with my family. We play this game, Christmas Eve Gift. I think I blogged about it before... But its not as nice as it sounds... We get into this game. The basic idea is on Christmas Eve, when you see or talk to anyone in the family- the first person who says "Christmas Eve Gift" to the other member wins. The loser has to get the winner a Christmas Eve gift. Now some quirks to the game is that there unwritten rules... Not that there are ANY rules actually written... but... You can begin play as soon as the clock strikes 12. When in confusion about who said it first, its whoever says it second, or loudest or whoever gives in and accepts defeat etc... and the kicker... in all the years that I have played this game, I have won countless times (Im pretty stealth) and have only actually received a gift twice. Once from my Uncle, who game me 2 pieces of candy and a pencil, and my Papa who gave my a candy bar... it was a King Size and everything.
But the game wasn't about the presents, or lack there of, it was about the tradition. We play this every year. We call each other from different states, different time zones. Maybe it is about winning all the little matches between members, maybe just a way to connect during the holidays.
Random thought, Christmas Eve is also my sisters birthday, but we showed no mercy. I wonder if anyone in the family has ever said "Happy Birthday" before we screamed "Christmas Eve Gift" waking her from a dead sleep....
All this thought of tradition got me to thinking. Whats the big deal? Why do we care SO much about traditions? Why do I kind of like it when I get a call at 2 in the morning from a family member screaming 3 words at me? Why do I savor the cookies so much? (Besides the fact that they are AMAZING?) Why do I care if people call me on my birthday? Or on a different note, why do I like traditional hymns so much? What is the appeal of the church in the traditional context? Why do we observe the 4th of July?
What makes tradition so appealing? The more I though through it the more personal it became. I like tradition because it makes me apart of something bigger than myself. To have tradition means to have community. And we were created for community! Tradition without community is merely habit. I like being apart of traditions because it makes me feel more connected and alive to the people around me. It tightens the bond, lessens the gap of distance and time.
I can sing Amazing Grace join the choir of thousands who have sang it over the past hundred years. I can eat a cookie and feel the love of a family hundred miles away. I can speak words to a family member I haven't seen in years. This is my community, my tradition.
But how do they start? My husband and I were very excited about coming up with traditions. We would start with our first year and do all this crazy stuff that we would teach our kids and hold to for our whole life.... and then life happened. Ideas we had before were thrown out the window. I worked a 12 hour day on Thanksgiving and on Christmas I was throwing up. I was in a different country for July 4th, Easter was bitter sweet. It was a rough year. But we did it together. We succeeded in making a tradition. Our tradition: Be together. Its my favorite one.
Something I find interesting is that so much of our culture is very interested in breaking traditions. Non-traditional. We pride ourselves on it. For many good reasons, but then again, for maybe some poorly thought out reasons. When it comes to church, there has to be some elements of tradition. I think the parts I like most about church are the traditional parts. Communion, Fellowship, hymns etc.
I never would have thought I would say this, but I like traditions.
Thoughts?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Risk and Danger in the Walk
Today I went for a walk. I didnt walk on the path. I had no traceable route. I just walked. I didnt have my phone. I didnt even walk beside the path. I made my own. At one point I walked straight through a baseball field. I even crossed the street not at a crosswalk. Scandalous. I know.
This may not seem like a big deal. But for me, it was. For many reasons:
1. I was walking. Which, if you think about it, is a form of exercise. Which I don't usually do. But it is the 2nd time this week. Maybe we are on to something here...
2.) I went off the path. I have firmly held for a long time that paths are made for a reason. The distance is measured, so even if I dont know how far I walked who ever built the sidewalk would know. They would have it all measured and direct. But walking on my own path there was no distance measured. I could have walked 5 miles. Or maybe 1/4 mile. Who knows?! This is frightening and it happened.
C. No traceable route. I could have been murdered. I had no route. I didnt tell anyone I was going. I didnt take my phone. I was free from it all. Just me. (And the key to my apartment tied to my shirt, securely hidden.- well Im not a idiot!) More than a few times did the thought cross my mind that I could be kidnapped. But that was all part of the excitement.
d- I walked across a baseball field. This has always been a big no no. walk around, not through as to not mess up the field. I have respect for a good baseball field. Mind you the one I walked through wasn't nice, but conceptually it was wrong.
5. Jay walking?! Isn't that against the law? need I say more?
I have known for a long time now that I am, in fact, a little bit of a control freak. I rarely ride in the passenger seat, as I like to drive. I follow the rules, I'm hardly even ever rude to people. And if I think I am I apologize before they even know I was rude. I calculate risk in everything I do. I don't dream to big unless I put the dream in a realistic time frame from the start. I may be planning a big nice vacation, but I know it wont happen until 2016- if we save on schedule.
I make lists in my sleep. For everything. To be organized. And it still bothering me that I tried to go against myself and number the list above funky. I don't like it. But now I wrote about it, so I'll keep it. It now has a reason for being that way.
I met someone a while back. And the more I get to know this person, the more I realize how different we are. A recent conversation went like this:
friend "Hey. What are you up to today?"
Me "Oh, not much. Grocery shopping. Home. Dinner. What are you up to?"
friend "Not sure. Im thinking I'll go see a friend. Maybe get a tatoo. We'll see."
Me "A tatoo? Really? How fun! Of what? Where?"
friend "Not sure yet. I have a few ideas, but we'll see."
ok. wait.
Did you catch that? Maybe get a tatoo. Not sure of what. or where?! I have been thinking about getting a tatoo for over 10 years now and havent... for many reasons. (I can provide a list of reasons if you'd like.)
And this friend is just gunna go. Just waltz into a parlor close their eyes point to a body part and say what they'd like a tatoo of. (ok, maybe that was a bit dramatic.)
But it got me to thinking. I would really like to be more sporadic. More of a jumper than a calculated risk taker.
So today I did. I went for a walk. Craziness ensued.
This may not seem like a big deal. But for me, it was. For many reasons:
1. I was walking. Which, if you think about it, is a form of exercise. Which I don't usually do. But it is the 2nd time this week. Maybe we are on to something here...
2.) I went off the path. I have firmly held for a long time that paths are made for a reason. The distance is measured, so even if I dont know how far I walked who ever built the sidewalk would know. They would have it all measured and direct. But walking on my own path there was no distance measured. I could have walked 5 miles. Or maybe 1/4 mile. Who knows?! This is frightening and it happened.
C. No traceable route. I could have been murdered. I had no route. I didnt tell anyone I was going. I didnt take my phone. I was free from it all. Just me. (And the key to my apartment tied to my shirt, securely hidden.- well Im not a idiot!) More than a few times did the thought cross my mind that I could be kidnapped. But that was all part of the excitement.
d- I walked across a baseball field. This has always been a big no no. walk around, not through as to not mess up the field. I have respect for a good baseball field. Mind you the one I walked through wasn't nice, but conceptually it was wrong.
5. Jay walking?! Isn't that against the law? need I say more?
I have known for a long time now that I am, in fact, a little bit of a control freak. I rarely ride in the passenger seat, as I like to drive. I follow the rules, I'm hardly even ever rude to people. And if I think I am I apologize before they even know I was rude. I calculate risk in everything I do. I don't dream to big unless I put the dream in a realistic time frame from the start. I may be planning a big nice vacation, but I know it wont happen until 2016- if we save on schedule.
I make lists in my sleep. For everything. To be organized. And it still bothering me that I tried to go against myself and number the list above funky. I don't like it. But now I wrote about it, so I'll keep it. It now has a reason for being that way.
I met someone a while back. And the more I get to know this person, the more I realize how different we are. A recent conversation went like this:
friend "Hey. What are you up to today?"
Me "Oh, not much. Grocery shopping. Home. Dinner. What are you up to?"
friend "Not sure. Im thinking I'll go see a friend. Maybe get a tatoo. We'll see."
Me "A tatoo? Really? How fun! Of what? Where?"
friend "Not sure yet. I have a few ideas, but we'll see."
ok. wait.
Did you catch that? Maybe get a tatoo. Not sure of what. or where?! I have been thinking about getting a tatoo for over 10 years now and havent... for many reasons. (I can provide a list of reasons if you'd like.)
And this friend is just gunna go. Just waltz into a parlor close their eyes point to a body part and say what they'd like a tatoo of. (ok, maybe that was a bit dramatic.)
But it got me to thinking. I would really like to be more sporadic. More of a jumper than a calculated risk taker.
So today I did. I went for a walk. Craziness ensued.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Bookends
There are times in life that really make me think. Times where everything stands still and I am lost in the moment. I can usually count on these times happening at big occasions. Like weddings, when someone dies and in those few times I have seen a baby be born.
Always at the start of something new. The opening of a new chapter in life. Or the end of one. The bookends.
The bookends are important. They are the focal point in a glance. The way we judge books by their cover. If someone is born into an abusive family, mom is on coke, dad is deadbeat- then it is easy to view the life with sadness. Doom the life from the start. The bookends are bad, so the book must be. Where if someone is born into a right standing home, both parents are happy church goin folk- what a celebration of life! This child is destined to be great. Beautiful bookends.
But what about the stuff written on the page? The ups and downs the twists and turns the exciting parts. What about the stories that tug at your heart and wish you could solve all the problems?
There are times in our life when we have big choices to make. What we do in those moments how we handle ourselves is what shows our character, builds our character. Our choices show who we really are. Even if it is something we got ourselves into, there is a moment in time where we have to make a choice.
There was a time in my life where I was seeing a man who I really liked. He made me smile so much. We would make each other laugh. We could talk for hours. I learned so much from him. He learned a lot from me. We would go to lunch- and we never had enough time cause we were so lost in getting to know each other. He was older than me *cough*twicemyage*cough* but it was ok. I fell for him. Even though I knew it would never work. I enjoyed the mystery. The adventure. I even became good friends with his wife.
Donald Miller has a book on the elements of story. It is a really good book called "A million miles in a thousand years" In the book he talks about how we have to make things happen. We cant expect our life to be full of adventure and have great stories to tell when we are old if all we do is sit in front of the TV. We cant wait for our story to happen. If we want a good story then it requires an aspect of risk. It requires us to own up to the hard truths about our daily lives and make the difference.
Kind of makes me want to quit my job and move to Africa. Or New York. Scratch that- I would really rather not live in NY.
We have to make our story.
Im not good at being super transparent. Which is a good thing if you want to protect yourself and a bad thing if you want anyone to know the real you.
For example- the story of the man above. Raise your hand if you knew that? Very few. I dont know who reads that but you may still be in shock that it happened- or better yet, that I posted it on the interwebs.
Anyway.
I am a planner. I like to make to-do lists and do them, in order. I like to figure out how a person works and operates and then associate with them in a way where there are no surprises. I like to be in control. [this is not a good thing] So when things happen, when life happens and I am not in control. When I didnt plan far enough in advance. I freak out a little.
I shut down. I get introspective and wonder at what I am supposed to do. I try frantically to make a plan. My brain races. I get lost in myself trying to figure out the next game plan. I try to see the bookends. I try to figure out what the last chapter says so that I can get the story back on track. I blog to find out what I am thinking.
Right now I am at a loss. Here are the facts in list form:
Death in the family
Separation from family
New home
New friends [how to relate? how to get to know them?... more on this later]
work - what am I doing?
the list goes on, but I just got scared that someone might actually read this so I stopped.
Sigh. When there is so much going on in my head and heart how do I organize the information in a safe way?
I want to get it all out and then look at it and only pick up the good pieces. But its all apart of me so there is nothing I can really give up.
I am looking at the bookends of my life and sizing it up. My story may have to over compensate for the bookends.
How do I make the story good? How do I make it interesting?
And there, there is my fatal flaw. I really do live as though I am the one writting it. I think I can make it all well. Figure out the last chapter but I cant.
I just hope that I dont ruin too many other stories in trying to figure out my own.
Always at the start of something new. The opening of a new chapter in life. Or the end of one. The bookends.
The bookends are important. They are the focal point in a glance. The way we judge books by their cover. If someone is born into an abusive family, mom is on coke, dad is deadbeat- then it is easy to view the life with sadness. Doom the life from the start. The bookends are bad, so the book must be. Where if someone is born into a right standing home, both parents are happy church goin folk- what a celebration of life! This child is destined to be great. Beautiful bookends.
But what about the stuff written on the page? The ups and downs the twists and turns the exciting parts. What about the stories that tug at your heart and wish you could solve all the problems?
There are times in our life when we have big choices to make. What we do in those moments how we handle ourselves is what shows our character, builds our character. Our choices show who we really are. Even if it is something we got ourselves into, there is a moment in time where we have to make a choice.
There was a time in my life where I was seeing a man who I really liked. He made me smile so much. We would make each other laugh. We could talk for hours. I learned so much from him. He learned a lot from me. We would go to lunch- and we never had enough time cause we were so lost in getting to know each other. He was older than me *cough*twicemyage*cough* but it was ok. I fell for him. Even though I knew it would never work. I enjoyed the mystery. The adventure. I even became good friends with his wife.
Donald Miller has a book on the elements of story. It is a really good book called "A million miles in a thousand years" In the book he talks about how we have to make things happen. We cant expect our life to be full of adventure and have great stories to tell when we are old if all we do is sit in front of the TV. We cant wait for our story to happen. If we want a good story then it requires an aspect of risk. It requires us to own up to the hard truths about our daily lives and make the difference.
Kind of makes me want to quit my job and move to Africa. Or New York. Scratch that- I would really rather not live in NY.
We have to make our story.
Im not good at being super transparent. Which is a good thing if you want to protect yourself and a bad thing if you want anyone to know the real you.
For example- the story of the man above. Raise your hand if you knew that? Very few. I dont know who reads that but you may still be in shock that it happened- or better yet, that I posted it on the interwebs.
Anyway.
I am a planner. I like to make to-do lists and do them, in order. I like to figure out how a person works and operates and then associate with them in a way where there are no surprises. I like to be in control. [this is not a good thing] So when things happen, when life happens and I am not in control. When I didnt plan far enough in advance. I freak out a little.
I shut down. I get introspective and wonder at what I am supposed to do. I try frantically to make a plan. My brain races. I get lost in myself trying to figure out the next game plan. I try to see the bookends. I try to figure out what the last chapter says so that I can get the story back on track. I blog to find out what I am thinking.
Right now I am at a loss. Here are the facts in list form:
Death in the family
Separation from family
New home
New friends [how to relate? how to get to know them?... more on this later]
work - what am I doing?
the list goes on, but I just got scared that someone might actually read this so I stopped.
Sigh. When there is so much going on in my head and heart how do I organize the information in a safe way?
I want to get it all out and then look at it and only pick up the good pieces. But its all apart of me so there is nothing I can really give up.
I am looking at the bookends of my life and sizing it up. My story may have to over compensate for the bookends.
How do I make the story good? How do I make it interesting?
And there, there is my fatal flaw. I really do live as though I am the one writting it. I think I can make it all well. Figure out the last chapter but I cant.
I just hope that I dont ruin too many other stories in trying to figure out my own.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thoughts on Indebtedness and Life
I am so thankful and highly indebted to many of my friends. I was aware of this indebtedness not long ago. I have an outlet in friends. Im these friends I am free to talk, to joke, to be myself and know that at the end of the day, I will still have friends. I look back on some of the things I have said, done and joked about and wonder that I am not alone and destitute. To these, I say thank you.
Jeff, the love of my life! I am so indebted to your kindness and generosity! You have borne the scorn of many my haste decisions and still choose me over all others. You are faithful to me and have taught me the truth in friendship and love. I am so in love with you!
Garrett and Paul who were my first lasting friends at Vanguard, thank you for putting up with me and pressing though. For being a constant friend even when it was hard. I know now that I was the awkward attached clingy girl who was by no means modest in my opinion and emotion and lacked the reserve I should have had. I made you both awkward more times than we can count. I know that those experiences have led us to the depth of relationship that we have now, but I wonder if it would have been a bit more mature, had I been.
Val, Boo and Keck- I think so highly of each of you and respect you to the greatest degree. I would not be the woman I am today without such encouraging friends as you (if that is a good thing or bad thing I am still working out- however please take it as a compliment rather than accusation.) You have heard my raw opinion on life, love, religion, relationships, flowers, men, and school more often than any others ever dare. You accept me, and disciple me and you have the right to do so. You are my closest and dearest friends though distance has come between us. I know, should ever the occasion arise, that I can come to you in an instant.
Isaiah, my heart is grieved over the chasm between us. I know not how to repair and mend the situation. I don't know if it is possible, or wanted. I do not know where to begin or what to say. My silence had been one of thought, concern and grief, not indifference. However wide the distance now, does not change the impact of your friendship with me in the past. You taught me how to think about things that I never thought to think of. Question what before was unquestionable and look at life through lens of other colors. It is for you I am thankful to high degree, and miss more than words can express.
There are so many others that I am indebted to for teaching me friendship and who have walked life with me when there was no reward in it for them. I do not understand this commitment, but know that for them I would do the same. Not for the debt, but for love.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Jeff, the love of my life! I am so indebted to your kindness and generosity! You have borne the scorn of many my haste decisions and still choose me over all others. You are faithful to me and have taught me the truth in friendship and love. I am so in love with you!
Garrett and Paul who were my first lasting friends at Vanguard, thank you for putting up with me and pressing though. For being a constant friend even when it was hard. I know now that I was the awkward attached clingy girl who was by no means modest in my opinion and emotion and lacked the reserve I should have had. I made you both awkward more times than we can count. I know that those experiences have led us to the depth of relationship that we have now, but I wonder if it would have been a bit more mature, had I been.
Val, Boo and Keck- I think so highly of each of you and respect you to the greatest degree. I would not be the woman I am today without such encouraging friends as you (if that is a good thing or bad thing I am still working out- however please take it as a compliment rather than accusation.) You have heard my raw opinion on life, love, religion, relationships, flowers, men, and school more often than any others ever dare. You accept me, and disciple me and you have the right to do so. You are my closest and dearest friends though distance has come between us. I know, should ever the occasion arise, that I can come to you in an instant.
Isaiah, my heart is grieved over the chasm between us. I know not how to repair and mend the situation. I don't know if it is possible, or wanted. I do not know where to begin or what to say. My silence had been one of thought, concern and grief, not indifference. However wide the distance now, does not change the impact of your friendship with me in the past. You taught me how to think about things that I never thought to think of. Question what before was unquestionable and look at life through lens of other colors. It is for you I am thankful to high degree, and miss more than words can express.
There are so many others that I am indebted to for teaching me friendship and who have walked life with me when there was no reward in it for them. I do not understand this commitment, but know that for them I would do the same. Not for the debt, but for love.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas
A few years ago I made the realization that if i wanted to be a certain person in 5 or 10 years, I needed to start becoming that person.
So I thought about it. I thought about who I wanted to be. What kind of character? What is important? What do I want to value? And then I took a good hard look at my life. I thought about who I was. What did I think was important? What was my character really like? What did I value?
What a shocker! It would be nice and easy to say that I was who I wanted to be, but alas... I was far from! So I started small, let those small things become habit and second nature and then worked on more stuff.
Then life happened. I forgot about my list and started trying to put out fires instead of living intentionally. The things that were habit, were second nature... they started to fade. I started becoming a person I didn't want to be without realizing it.
Until today. I realized it today.
I was hanging up 9 Christmas cards that we received from various friends and family. Some had heartfelt thoughts inside, some where the picture kind, but all of them reminded me that I wanted to send out Christmas cards every year. And I didn't.
I almost cried. I know that a lot of people don't send out cards and its not a big deal, but in my mind, people who send out cards have it together. They are on top of things. They planned for Christmas cards to be sent out and then executed the plan.
I feel inadequate.
And yes, Christmas cards are what made me rethink my entire philosophy on life. Who am I? What do I want to be? What kind of person?
Those are hard questions when I then have to face them and answer that who I am is in fact NOT who I want to be.
I want to speak truth into people's lives, even when its hard.
I want to be positive and loving.
I want to love on people who think they don't deserve it.
I want my husband to come home to a clean room.
I want to make the bed everyday.
I want to keep trash out of my car.
I want to keep in touch with friends.
I want to send out Christmas cards.
Small things really, but they are small things that really say something about a person. Defining things that mean a lot. If not to anyone else, they are important to me.
I wonder if it is socially acceptable to send out Christmas cards after Christmas is over? Would they then just be misplaced greeting cards?
Who do you want to be? Who are you now? What small changes can you make to move towards the person of character that you want?
So I thought about it. I thought about who I wanted to be. What kind of character? What is important? What do I want to value? And then I took a good hard look at my life. I thought about who I was. What did I think was important? What was my character really like? What did I value?
What a shocker! It would be nice and easy to say that I was who I wanted to be, but alas... I was far from! So I started small, let those small things become habit and second nature and then worked on more stuff.
Then life happened. I forgot about my list and started trying to put out fires instead of living intentionally. The things that were habit, were second nature... they started to fade. I started becoming a person I didn't want to be without realizing it.
Until today. I realized it today.
I was hanging up 9 Christmas cards that we received from various friends and family. Some had heartfelt thoughts inside, some where the picture kind, but all of them reminded me that I wanted to send out Christmas cards every year. And I didn't.
I almost cried. I know that a lot of people don't send out cards and its not a big deal, but in my mind, people who send out cards have it together. They are on top of things. They planned for Christmas cards to be sent out and then executed the plan.
I feel inadequate.
And yes, Christmas cards are what made me rethink my entire philosophy on life. Who am I? What do I want to be? What kind of person?
Those are hard questions when I then have to face them and answer that who I am is in fact NOT who I want to be.
I want to speak truth into people's lives, even when its hard.
I want to be positive and loving.
I want to love on people who think they don't deserve it.
I want my husband to come home to a clean room.
I want to make the bed everyday.
I want to keep trash out of my car.
I want to keep in touch with friends.
I want to send out Christmas cards.
Small things really, but they are small things that really say something about a person. Defining things that mean a lot. If not to anyone else, they are important to me.
I wonder if it is socially acceptable to send out Christmas cards after Christmas is over? Would they then just be misplaced greeting cards?
Who do you want to be? Who are you now? What small changes can you make to move towards the person of character that you want?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Confessions
I am that girl.
I live with my friends.
I hand over a huge wad of coupons at the store, and smile.
I sing really loud in the car.
I make faces in the mirror when I brush my teeth.
I cried today hearing the story of the walls of Jericho.
I enjoy facial-expression wars with a certain 1 year old.
I adore waking up to the sound of giggling girls in the other room.
I could listen to stories for hours on end.
I miss my friends and family, but am so happy where I am.
I would wear jeans and chucks everyday if I could.
Crisp cold air makes me giddy.
If it is raining, you can bet my heart is happy.
I want to be the best wife imaginable to Jeff Weltman.
Speaking of, I have the most amazing husband.
Watching a 3 year old learn to spell is fascinating.
I admire Delaina Butler, and want to be like her when I grow up.
Christmas has always been sobering for me, but I look forward to a happy Christmas, one day.
Cheese-Its and apple sauce is a favorite snack.
As well as Blue Doritos and cream cheese [warm].
I dream about having my own home and decorating guest rooms.
In everything I try to find a game or adventure.
Eating out is a treat and always special.
I will randomly dance in the kitchen, simply because its my favorite room in a house.
Dancing with Brooke and Madeline is super fun.
I am that girl.
I live with my friends.
I hand over a huge wad of coupons at the store, and smile.
I sing really loud in the car.
I make faces in the mirror when I brush my teeth.
I cried today hearing the story of the walls of Jericho.
I enjoy facial-expression wars with a certain 1 year old.
I adore waking up to the sound of giggling girls in the other room.
I could listen to stories for hours on end.
I miss my friends and family, but am so happy where I am.
I would wear jeans and chucks everyday if I could.
Crisp cold air makes me giddy.
If it is raining, you can bet my heart is happy.
I want to be the best wife imaginable to Jeff Weltman.
Speaking of, I have the most amazing husband.
Watching a 3 year old learn to spell is fascinating.
I admire Delaina Butler, and want to be like her when I grow up.
Christmas has always been sobering for me, but I look forward to a happy Christmas, one day.
Cheese-Its and apple sauce is a favorite snack.
As well as Blue Doritos and cream cheese [warm].
I dream about having my own home and decorating guest rooms.
In everything I try to find a game or adventure.
Eating out is a treat and always special.
I will randomly dance in the kitchen, simply because its my favorite room in a house.
Dancing with Brooke and Madeline is super fun.
I am that girl.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Life in Texas
We moved to Texas.
There was a great big dream that we pitched to everyone who told us we were crazy. "In Texas, the economy is a lot better, we can own a home and have a family. We know people out there, it will be great!"
Well, it sounds wonderful doesn't it? But alas, the road to "BIG DREAM" is bumpy. Husband and I are confident that it will still happen but the "when" part is a bit iffy.
The job husband came out here for didn't work out. about a month after I got here, they let him go. Turns out the economy is yucky all over the nation.
A home... I have found that my home is in heaven... and my earthly home is in my husband's arms. As for a house of our own, it will take finding a job. Really. Once we make an alright income- BAM! new home. Really. We talked with a home builder lady and found out that we can own a new home (built for us, I get to pick carpet and tile and paint...) for $500 down, and $950 a month. A new house for $118K. No joke. And don't me started on the Repo houses... $85K for a house we LOVE! Now, if only we had money...
Having a family is something we think about a lot. In certain times in life the only things that really get us through is our ability to dream. "What if?" *smile* We are both set on letting God build our family. When He sees it time to grow us into 3 (or 4) He will bless us with a baby. Until then, husband and I dream a lot and talk about how we want to raise said family. What our traditions will be etc.
I don't know what I was thinking when I told people that we "knew so many people" out here. Relationships that go unattended don't grow. Thankfully there is one relationship that has not only been salvageable, but has grown and is such a huge blessing. For a long time out here I was so upset that I didn't have friends. And somehow I lost my ability to make friends. So this on relationship has been a life saver! Someone to talk to, laugh with and cry with. God is amazing!
Life in Texas isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't easy. It isn't happy all the time. There are times when I get so mad that I gave up all I had in California. Times I cry hard knowing that I had a home and people knew they could come over.
But in this time of grieving, loss, heartache, and disappointment there is surfacing a peace, joy, determination and strength that I never knew I had. I am learning to be more grateful than ever before. learning to let others bless me, reach out to me and love on me. I am uncomfortable enough to learn. Brave enough to hold on. And excited to see what the future holds.
This is my new life in Texas.
There was a great big dream that we pitched to everyone who told us we were crazy. "In Texas, the economy is a lot better, we can own a home and have a family. We know people out there, it will be great!"
Well, it sounds wonderful doesn't it? But alas, the road to "BIG DREAM" is bumpy. Husband and I are confident that it will still happen but the "when" part is a bit iffy.
The job husband came out here for didn't work out. about a month after I got here, they let him go. Turns out the economy is yucky all over the nation.
A home... I have found that my home is in heaven... and my earthly home is in my husband's arms. As for a house of our own, it will take finding a job. Really. Once we make an alright income- BAM! new home. Really. We talked with a home builder lady and found out that we can own a new home (built for us, I get to pick carpet and tile and paint...) for $500 down, and $950 a month. A new house for $118K. No joke. And don't me started on the Repo houses... $85K for a house we LOVE! Now, if only we had money...
Having a family is something we think about a lot. In certain times in life the only things that really get us through is our ability to dream. "What if?" *smile* We are both set on letting God build our family. When He sees it time to grow us into 3 (or 4) He will bless us with a baby. Until then, husband and I dream a lot and talk about how we want to raise said family. What our traditions will be etc.
I don't know what I was thinking when I told people that we "knew so many people" out here. Relationships that go unattended don't grow. Thankfully there is one relationship that has not only been salvageable, but has grown and is such a huge blessing. For a long time out here I was so upset that I didn't have friends. And somehow I lost my ability to make friends. So this on relationship has been a life saver! Someone to talk to, laugh with and cry with. God is amazing!
Life in Texas isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't easy. It isn't happy all the time. There are times when I get so mad that I gave up all I had in California. Times I cry hard knowing that I had a home and people knew they could come over.
But in this time of grieving, loss, heartache, and disappointment there is surfacing a peace, joy, determination and strength that I never knew I had. I am learning to be more grateful than ever before. learning to let others bless me, reach out to me and love on me. I am uncomfortable enough to learn. Brave enough to hold on. And excited to see what the future holds.
This is my new life in Texas.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Life, WTF?
Today is day 54 in my life as a wife.
In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.
It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.
I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?
My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?
My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?
But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.
Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.
No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.
In 54 days we have traveled to Seattle by plane, through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to Louisiana by car, have had two loved ones pass away, and have several panic phones calls from family members. We have also had people over to dinner every week, learned a new game (Canasta) and have enjoyed Alta on sever occasions. I have been to the hospital more than 3 times, my husband has sprained his arm- ANNNNND... we are still happily married.
It is interesting to me how life happens- and never stops happening. There are times when I want everything to stop, slow down or fade "just for a little bit" so I can understand my new surroundings, but it never works that way. Life just keeps going.
I have a friend, we've been friends for a while now. And I can tell we are growing apart. She has her life, I have mine... and things are changing. This is one of the parts of life I don't understand. What to do? Pursue the relationship? Let it go? I am fully convinced that people are worth it. They are worth effort, energy, and even worth the risk of failure. But I also think that people deserve to choose who they want to hang out with and be friends with. I can't take that choice from this friend. But i don't want to give up on her either. Life, wtf?
My sister is engaged. Or at least I think so. She hasn't told me yet. But I still said Congratulations, as if she had. She just said thanks. Part of me thinks she is doing it to spite me. To show me that she can build a better wedding than I. And that is ok. I hope she does. Really. If she is in fact engaged, I hope she has a beautiful and wonderful wedding. I also hope it has nothing to do with spite, or anger, or resentment. She deserves more than to feel that way. I also hope that I get invited, its still a toss up, but we'll see how it goes. Life, wtf?
My husband and I are dreaming of what our future looks like. Dreaming. It sounds so blissful and romantic, but dreaming is hard for me. Why dream if they just get crushed. Why think about what could be if it never will be. My life has taught me that whatever I hope for most, will be the very thing that is taken from me and dashed before me. Life, wtf?
But here is the hope, here is the point- I serve a good God! In all my "life, wtf's" HE is faithful. He knows the status of my heart, the hearts of others and no matter what the situation tells me, I know that my God works ALL things for the good.
Doctors reports become irrelevant- My God is bigger.
Relationships are restored- My God is bigger.
The Future looks hopeful- My God is bigger.
Friendships are joyful- My God is bigger.
Life, is good- My God is bigger.
No matter the circumstance. No matter the report. No matter the status. My God is good and faithful.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
How to Train Your Dragon
How to train your dragon.
I went with my husband to see this movie tonight. Its about a kid who looks at the world differently that everyone else around him. He discovers something that no one he knows would ever believe and he turns from being the outcast- the shame taker- to being the hero. all because he choose to see his world differently that what he was taught.
Who knew this movie would speak so loudly to me?
I am still working it over in my mind. There are things in my life that I do or try to do because it is required of me. But I'm just not good at them. People who are good at it don't understand why its hard for me.
Bad example: Fashion. I am lost when it comes to fashion. My thought is, if it fits, and its not floral print- we should be good. Better yet, if it fits, and is comfy, and its a solid color: Best. Outfit. Ever. Clearly people make millions by simply disagreeing with me. But if it doesn't fit, and its not comfy, why bother?
So I wore Converse Chuck Taylors on my wedding day.
But there are other things that I am not so sure who I feel about, or rather- I know how I feel about it, but its not really acceptable by most to even talk about it.
Like how church is run.
Like how we treat the homeless.
Like how often we open our doors to strangers.
Like how important our possessions are.
I just don't understand.
Someone once told me that I was crazy for having people over for dinner all the time. "You don't make much money, don't you need to save it so you can survive?" or "You are just throwing your money away, as a christian you should be more wise with your money."
Poppy-cock.
Why?!
Are we not meant to take care of those around us? Are we just lucky to be who we are? Or are we called to something that has never been done before? Live in a new way that will change the planet as we know it?
What do your dragons look like? How will you train them?
I went with my husband to see this movie tonight. Its about a kid who looks at the world differently that everyone else around him. He discovers something that no one he knows would ever believe and he turns from being the outcast- the shame taker- to being the hero. all because he choose to see his world differently that what he was taught.
Who knew this movie would speak so loudly to me?
I am still working it over in my mind. There are things in my life that I do or try to do because it is required of me. But I'm just not good at them. People who are good at it don't understand why its hard for me.
Bad example: Fashion. I am lost when it comes to fashion. My thought is, if it fits, and its not floral print- we should be good. Better yet, if it fits, and is comfy, and its a solid color: Best. Outfit. Ever. Clearly people make millions by simply disagreeing with me. But if it doesn't fit, and its not comfy, why bother?
So I wore Converse Chuck Taylors on my wedding day.
But there are other things that I am not so sure who I feel about, or rather- I know how I feel about it, but its not really acceptable by most to even talk about it.
Like how church is run.
Like how we treat the homeless.
Like how often we open our doors to strangers.
Like how important our possessions are.
I just don't understand.
Someone once told me that I was crazy for having people over for dinner all the time. "You don't make much money, don't you need to save it so you can survive?" or "You are just throwing your money away, as a christian you should be more wise with your money."
Poppy-cock.
Why?!
Are we not meant to take care of those around us? Are we just lucky to be who we are? Or are we called to something that has never been done before? Live in a new way that will change the planet as we know it?
What do your dragons look like? How will you train them?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Adventure
Nine.
That is all. Just 9 days until I am married.
No doubts, no regrets.
Nine.
There are so many things that must be done. I would like to say that they are all in preparation for the wedding. That they all are very important and much be done.
However true that may or may not be, most of them are so everyday.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Make dinner.
Vacuum.
Wash Skip (my car).
And It makes me wonder. Is this it? Is this what life is? Is this my life?
I read my friend Brandon's blog (http://brandonandhistreasures.blogspot.com/) and I had so many things to say. Scriptural things. Heavy profound things.
One foot in front of the other.
Soaring like eagles, running with momentum, and walking with discipline.
Paintings are made one stoke at a time.
Adventures are made one day at a time.
He talked about Indiana Jones and raiding tombs. And I wanted to tell him about how those are moments that are played, but it took years of work, research and discipline before young Indy could take on the rolling boulders in a single bound.
Isn't that how it is? I have talked (mostly listened) to many pastors and heros of the faith, and when they so easily say, "I was in the marines, the police force, was a teacher and now a pastor for the last 25 years." I can't help but wonder....
Clearly they have done a lot. Each of those things take work, hard work. tests. years of schooling.
So what makes up adventure? Where is it? Is it in the class room? Is it in city streets? Is it in the Amazons?
Maybe, adventure is setting a goal that involves risk and working toward it. Being aware of the moments and remembering them, because they are part of the bigger story.
My friend Katie is on a BIG adventure. She is making friends in Washington. (http://moonriverofftoseetheworld.blogspot.com/)
Brandon, mentioned above, is on a BIG adventure. He is caring for orphans in Africa.
And we all are finding our adventures, but sometimes they get labeled strangely and we don't know they are adventures, like work, or marriage, or singleness, or weddings, or...
We all may need more adventures in life. I am going to look for one, a big one... and share the journey.
That is all. Just 9 days until I am married.
No doubts, no regrets.
Nine.
There are so many things that must be done. I would like to say that they are all in preparation for the wedding. That they all are very important and much be done.
However true that may or may not be, most of them are so everyday.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Make dinner.
Vacuum.
Wash Skip (my car).
And It makes me wonder. Is this it? Is this what life is? Is this my life?
I read my friend Brandon's blog (http://brandonandhistreasures.blogspot.com/) and I had so many things to say. Scriptural things. Heavy profound things.
One foot in front of the other.
Soaring like eagles, running with momentum, and walking with discipline.
Paintings are made one stoke at a time.
Adventures are made one day at a time.
He talked about Indiana Jones and raiding tombs. And I wanted to tell him about how those are moments that are played, but it took years of work, research and discipline before young Indy could take on the rolling boulders in a single bound.
Isn't that how it is? I have talked (mostly listened) to many pastors and heros of the faith, and when they so easily say, "I was in the marines, the police force, was a teacher and now a pastor for the last 25 years." I can't help but wonder....
Clearly they have done a lot. Each of those things take work, hard work. tests. years of schooling.
So what makes up adventure? Where is it? Is it in the class room? Is it in city streets? Is it in the Amazons?
Maybe, adventure is setting a goal that involves risk and working toward it. Being aware of the moments and remembering them, because they are part of the bigger story.
My friend Katie is on a BIG adventure. She is making friends in Washington. (http://moonriverofftoseetheworld.blogspot.com/)
Brandon, mentioned above, is on a BIG adventure. He is caring for orphans in Africa.
And we all are finding our adventures, but sometimes they get labeled strangely and we don't know they are adventures, like work, or marriage, or singleness, or weddings, or...
We all may need more adventures in life. I am going to look for one, a big one... and share the journey.
Friday, March 19, 2010
More
There will always be more to learn, more to work on, more to figure out. Always. MORE.
Sometimes, like now, I long for those moments of peace. For that one moment of deep breath that says, "I know there is more, but it doesn't have to be tackled right now."
However.
In the world of big events always coming, there is always more to do. And when those events are over there is more to plan for. Some people call it job security. I call it retarded.
There seems to be so much stress, most probably caused by me, that pushes the MORE syndrome. There is a person, this one person that has become my responsibility. It is my job to know the ins and outs of this person. To know their emotions, facial expressions, likes dislikes, and not just know the facts, but respond to this person with all my emotions, energy and self. It makes it a lot easier that I love this person. But the more I think about it, the more stressful it becomes.
Am I this persons all in all? No.
Am I this persons only source of friendship and love? No.
But I take on the responsibility as though I am. And ...that is a lot for one person.
As the wedding day approaches, the more excited I become, and the more terrified. Do I know what I am doing? Do I understand the weight of the commitment I am about to vow to?
Maybe?
There is no fully knowing until I am in the thick of it. Its like swimming. You can read books on how to do it, watch others do it, walk around in an empty pool... but untill you are submerged in water... how do know if you'll do it right?
I've heard of a few people who learned to swim by being thrown into a pool. They had to learn, or drown. Most learned. However, one person I know, just sank to the bottom and had to be rescued. She still doesn't know how to swim.
Taking the plunge.
There is only one way to know if you'll sink or swim. Jump. My fear, for marriage, is that I'll sink.
I know its unrealistic.
In pre-marriage I am finding that we are a lot healthier in our relationship than I ever thought possible. We have a healthy outlook, and healthy expectations, we communicate well and problem solve well. We both are in it for life, divorce is never an option.
Which really just adds a lot of pressure, but is highly motivating.
Failure is not an option. We will finish, now lets work on finishing well.
From what I am learning about marriage, its all about the hard things in life.
Self sacrifice.
Self discipline.
Self secondness.
Serving.
Choosing love.
All the things that don't come naturally, at least for me. The stuff that I have struggled with for years, the things I never wanted to learn. And now...now those very things are becoming more and more clear. I am in deficit and have no time to learn and make these things part of my character.
"Self-ten-years- younger, You need to start working on this now!"
Wish I would have gotten that memo.
More to work on. More to learn. More to try not to regret. More to bring to the cross.
More.
"Jesus, help me lay it all at your feet. I can't take any more."
Sometimes, like now, I long for those moments of peace. For that one moment of deep breath that says, "I know there is more, but it doesn't have to be tackled right now."
However.
In the world of big events always coming, there is always more to do. And when those events are over there is more to plan for. Some people call it job security. I call it retarded.
There seems to be so much stress, most probably caused by me, that pushes the MORE syndrome. There is a person, this one person that has become my responsibility. It is my job to know the ins and outs of this person. To know their emotions, facial expressions, likes dislikes, and not just know the facts, but respond to this person with all my emotions, energy and self. It makes it a lot easier that I love this person. But the more I think about it, the more stressful it becomes.
Am I this persons all in all? No.
Am I this persons only source of friendship and love? No.
But I take on the responsibility as though I am. And ...that is a lot for one person.
As the wedding day approaches, the more excited I become, and the more terrified. Do I know what I am doing? Do I understand the weight of the commitment I am about to vow to?
Maybe?
There is no fully knowing until I am in the thick of it. Its like swimming. You can read books on how to do it, watch others do it, walk around in an empty pool... but untill you are submerged in water... how do know if you'll do it right?
I've heard of a few people who learned to swim by being thrown into a pool. They had to learn, or drown. Most learned. However, one person I know, just sank to the bottom and had to be rescued. She still doesn't know how to swim.
Taking the plunge.
There is only one way to know if you'll sink or swim. Jump. My fear, for marriage, is that I'll sink.
I know its unrealistic.
In pre-marriage I am finding that we are a lot healthier in our relationship than I ever thought possible. We have a healthy outlook, and healthy expectations, we communicate well and problem solve well. We both are in it for life, divorce is never an option.
Which really just adds a lot of pressure, but is highly motivating.
Failure is not an option. We will finish, now lets work on finishing well.
From what I am learning about marriage, its all about the hard things in life.
Self sacrifice.
Self discipline.
Self secondness.
Serving.
Choosing love.
All the things that don't come naturally, at least for me. The stuff that I have struggled with for years, the things I never wanted to learn. And now...now those very things are becoming more and more clear. I am in deficit and have no time to learn and make these things part of my character.
"Self-ten-years- younger, You need to start working on this now!"
Wish I would have gotten that memo.
More to work on. More to learn. More to try not to regret. More to bring to the cross.
More.
"Jesus, help me lay it all at your feet. I can't take any more."
Friday, February 19, 2010
Broken Beloved
I am beloved.
I am so loved by the creator of the universe that He gave up everything for me and came to my rescue. He gave up everything to become nothing for me. He gave it all for me. His deep passionate love for me compelled him to rescue me.
How undeserving I am. For, how broken am I!
To receive love that is uncomprehending, to accept a gift I do not understand, to hold in my hands a value in which numbers cannot calculate.... Its not fair. Its not fair, its not just... but it is justified by grace. A grace I cannot speak of without breaking down in tears.
Grace, unmerited favor. Grace, a gift given before I even knew the word. Grace, before I could even understand why I needed it or if I wanted it.
How do I respond? How do I respond to a love I do not know, a grace I do not comprehend. How do I live with myself in taking a gift for granted? For taking this gift and trashing it, violating it, molesting grace and perfect love and then... hiding for shame. Hiding for guilt, hiding for a comfort knowing that I can *finally* get what I deserve.
I deserve pain. I deserve punishment. I deserve....
but to open my sun dried eyes, to search over the parched, barren vast of desert that has become my life and see open arms. To see a loving, graceful embrace reaching out for me. To find the oasis of life searching for me in the desert.
To see my lover pursue me into the dry darkness. To hide for shame and hear his voice always calling in the night. To run and hear the pursuit of a chase, I'm not getting far for he is searching after me.
I know but if I turn, his arms will clasp around me. If I lift up my head, his eyes will capture me. If I but whisper his name he will rush to my call. For his love pursues me. His grace follows after me.
I am so loved by the creator of the universe that He gave up everything for me and came to my rescue. He gave up everything to become nothing for me. He gave it all for me. His deep passionate love for me compelled him to rescue me.
How undeserving I am. For, how broken am I!
To receive love that is uncomprehending, to accept a gift I do not understand, to hold in my hands a value in which numbers cannot calculate.... Its not fair. Its not fair, its not just... but it is justified by grace. A grace I cannot speak of without breaking down in tears.
Grace, unmerited favor. Grace, a gift given before I even knew the word. Grace, before I could even understand why I needed it or if I wanted it.
How do I respond? How do I respond to a love I do not know, a grace I do not comprehend. How do I live with myself in taking a gift for granted? For taking this gift and trashing it, violating it, molesting grace and perfect love and then... hiding for shame. Hiding for guilt, hiding for a comfort knowing that I can *finally* get what I deserve.
I deserve pain. I deserve punishment. I deserve....
but to open my sun dried eyes, to search over the parched, barren vast of desert that has become my life and see open arms. To see a loving, graceful embrace reaching out for me. To find the oasis of life searching for me in the desert.
To see my lover pursue me into the dry darkness. To hide for shame and hear his voice always calling in the night. To run and hear the pursuit of a chase, I'm not getting far for he is searching after me.
I know but if I turn, his arms will clasp around me. If I lift up my head, his eyes will capture me. If I but whisper his name he will rush to my call. For his love pursues me. His grace follows after me.
While the son was still a long way off,
his father saw him coming.
The father felt sorry for his son.
So the father ran to him.
He hugged and kissed his son.
his father saw him coming.
The father felt sorry for his son.
So the father ran to him.
He hugged and kissed his son.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A rose by any other name...
"You make all things new"
It has been years since I have last blogged. I think its about time I did again.
Things are so different than they were years ago. I re-read my blogs and laughed. Things that really worried me then, seem so petty and ridiculous now.
Now... that I'm getting married. Perhaps thats the circle of my life. I'm sure in a few years I will re-read this blog and laugh. Times change, and so do I. (Hi future self!)
I am finding it hard to figure out what i want to blog about. Perhaps a statement of location is in order, a statement of who I am today and whats going on... it will be a great re-starting place.
I am, for the next 87 days, Ecclesia Price.
I work for the Southern California Assemblies of God as the assistant to the Women's Director.
I am a graduate of Vanguard University (but that seems so long ago.)
I am engaged to Jeffrey Scott Weltman.
I am becoming more active in speaking at churches, primarily to women's groups.
I could blog about wedding details, but really... in 88 days... no one will care. And it is not consuming my life. Well, not nearly as much as people seem to think that it should be, or that it is. Planning is coming along. Details are set. People are involved. I am happy with how things are going right now.
In 87 days I will be Mrs. Ecclesia Weltman. Thats crazy to think about. My name changes. I go from Ecclesia Price (Ecclesia meaning "church", Price meaning "fiery warrior") to Ecclesia Weltman (Weltman meaning "man of the world"). I am a firm believer that a person lives up to their name. I am proud to be an Ecclesia (greek: Ekklesia). I suppose that wont change, but what does it mean to be "man of the world"? My paradigm shifts.
I wonder if it is too far streched to say that my new name is a prime example of what the ekklesia should be... different from, but in the world. Living life on the front lines. Incarnational. Throwing religion, condemnation, and hypocracy out the proverbial window and jumping full speed ahead into the lives of the "unclean"... daring to be who Jesus wants us to be. Daring to love on people.
I was born a "fiery warrior" It will always be in my nature. But I will soon become the "church man of the world" and I promise to do right by the name. To be incarnational.
Thats a big name I have coming.
It has been years since I have last blogged. I think its about time I did again.
Things are so different than they were years ago. I re-read my blogs and laughed. Things that really worried me then, seem so petty and ridiculous now.
Now... that I'm getting married. Perhaps thats the circle of my life. I'm sure in a few years I will re-read this blog and laugh. Times change, and so do I. (Hi future self!)
I am finding it hard to figure out what i want to blog about. Perhaps a statement of location is in order, a statement of who I am today and whats going on... it will be a great re-starting place.
I am, for the next 87 days, Ecclesia Price.
I work for the Southern California Assemblies of God as the assistant to the Women's Director.
I am a graduate of Vanguard University (but that seems so long ago.)
I am engaged to Jeffrey Scott Weltman.
I am becoming more active in speaking at churches, primarily to women's groups.
I could blog about wedding details, but really... in 88 days... no one will care. And it is not consuming my life. Well, not nearly as much as people seem to think that it should be, or that it is. Planning is coming along. Details are set. People are involved. I am happy with how things are going right now.
In 87 days I will be Mrs. Ecclesia Weltman. Thats crazy to think about. My name changes. I go from Ecclesia Price (Ecclesia meaning "church", Price meaning "fiery warrior") to Ecclesia Weltman (Weltman meaning "man of the world"). I am a firm believer that a person lives up to their name. I am proud to be an Ecclesia (greek: Ekklesia). I suppose that wont change, but what does it mean to be "man of the world"? My paradigm shifts.
I wonder if it is too far streched to say that my new name is a prime example of what the ekklesia should be... different from, but in the world. Living life on the front lines. Incarnational. Throwing religion, condemnation, and hypocracy out the proverbial window and jumping full speed ahead into the lives of the "unclean"... daring to be who Jesus wants us to be. Daring to love on people.
I was born a "fiery warrior" It will always be in my nature. But I will soon become the "church man of the world" and I promise to do right by the name. To be incarnational.
Thats a big name I have coming.
Friday, June 29, 2007
A little apprehensive...
Isaiah- I just talked to Val, she came for lunch. I had no idea so much was progressing with the two of you. I will be in prayer that God directs both of your paths and guards your hearts and minds.
Jesus-
thank you for the friends that I have and your incredible timing in bringing them to comfort me. Bless Boo as she continues in her job and learns to be patient with the lil people. Be with Val and Isaiah as they both try to figure out their lives and their paths, be it together or apart, emotionally, physically and relationally. Thank you for the surprises that change our lives and our minds unexpectantly. Bless both of their work.
I am learning more and more how selfish I am. On the brightside, I am starting to become honest with myself and in turn becoming more and more honest with the people around me. I want to be able to call out what I do and feel without constantly comparing it to what I think I "should" think or feel. I want to be free to be me. I think that until I am honest with myself all the time, I wont be able to change myself into who I would like to be- More like you. If Im not honest with myself, I wont know where to start in becoming more like you.
The funny part is that I know that the simple realization of wanting to be real and knowing I'm not- is a step in teh right direction to becoming more like you. By realizing how much I fall short of who you are, the more I realize how much I need to change, the more I selfish I see that I am, brings me closer to you and molds me more into who you want me to be.
I need to know that I am your beloved.
I want to know that I am lovable by males.
I need a Christian support.
I want my family.
I need food.
I want to be able to go out.
the list goes on- thank you for completly taking care of my needs and helping me realize that what I thought were my needs, are actually my wants.
It hurts, but strip me of what you don't want in my life and show me your faithfulness faithfully. You are having to teach me faithfulness personally because everyone else has been unfaithful. I want to be like you. I am really scared that I will wake up one morning and find that you as well have forgotten me. Teach me to think in the truth of who I am, who you created me to be.
If Im worth your time, I should be worth the time of people around me. Please teach me from the inside out that I matter and that I am worth more than what i have always been taught and think. You have put people/voices in my life to speak truth and teach me who I am. Let those voices grow strong and loud and the others to fade and disappear.
Thank you that other people have started calling me Your favorite. It is so nice to hear that other people believe it and in turn, I think I am starting to really believe it as well.
Yours Always,
Ecclesia
Jesus-
thank you for the friends that I have and your incredible timing in bringing them to comfort me. Bless Boo as she continues in her job and learns to be patient with the lil people. Be with Val and Isaiah as they both try to figure out their lives and their paths, be it together or apart, emotionally, physically and relationally. Thank you for the surprises that change our lives and our minds unexpectantly. Bless both of their work.
I am learning more and more how selfish I am. On the brightside, I am starting to become honest with myself and in turn becoming more and more honest with the people around me. I want to be able to call out what I do and feel without constantly comparing it to what I think I "should" think or feel. I want to be free to be me. I think that until I am honest with myself all the time, I wont be able to change myself into who I would like to be- More like you. If Im not honest with myself, I wont know where to start in becoming more like you.
The funny part is that I know that the simple realization of wanting to be real and knowing I'm not- is a step in teh right direction to becoming more like you. By realizing how much I fall short of who you are, the more I realize how much I need to change, the more I selfish I see that I am, brings me closer to you and molds me more into who you want me to be.
I need to know that I am your beloved.
I want to know that I am lovable by males.
I need a Christian support.
I want my family.
I need food.
I want to be able to go out.
the list goes on- thank you for completly taking care of my needs and helping me realize that what I thought were my needs, are actually my wants.
It hurts, but strip me of what you don't want in my life and show me your faithfulness faithfully. You are having to teach me faithfulness personally because everyone else has been unfaithful. I want to be like you. I am really scared that I will wake up one morning and find that you as well have forgotten me. Teach me to think in the truth of who I am, who you created me to be.
If Im worth your time, I should be worth the time of people around me. Please teach me from the inside out that I matter and that I am worth more than what i have always been taught and think. You have put people/voices in my life to speak truth and teach me who I am. Let those voices grow strong and loud and the others to fade and disappear.
Thank you that other people have started calling me Your favorite. It is so nice to hear that other people believe it and in turn, I think I am starting to really believe it as well.
Yours Always,
Ecclesia
Friday, June 22, 2007
Blessed
Food
vacation
amazing places to stay
a bed every night
friends who love me
money
car
job(s)
manicure
Jamba
mentors who care
family
sisters
Lanette keeping her baby
my own room
house mates
scrabble on vacation
James helping me move
Out to lunch
Dinner dates
groceries
cookies
Seeing Katie(s)
you have blessed me beyond measure, I know because I just tried and the words do you know justice. They don't even begin to tell of your greatness. I am your favorite. On me your favor rests. It does not make any sense to me.
The letter that came in the mail today- the one with bad news that made me cry... help me to see your will in all of this. Help me not to forget how faithful you have been. I want to remember your goodness when its hard. I want to trust you when there doesn't seem to be a way out. You are my only hope. You are all I have.
Please give me direction on what to do. I am going to ask James to come over today and pray with me about it. Maybe he will have an idea on what to do. I don't want to go around sharing my problems with everyone and whining about the situation I am in. However, if you have outside help for me, show me who I need to talk to. Make it clear.
Somehow in my lack, in my need, and in my debt- be glorified. May myself and others praise you for who you are. For your faithfulness and provision. I don't know what my options are. If its to drop out of school- may you be glorified. If its to work many more jobs- provide the opportunity. If it to take out another lone- make that clear.
I don't know how I will make it- but I trust you.
whether I win or lose, starve or feast- may you be glorified in my life and in all that I do.
Thank you for your many blessings.
You are good.
vacation
amazing places to stay
a bed every night
friends who love me
money
car
job(s)
manicure
Jamba
mentors who care
family
sisters
Lanette keeping her baby
my own room
house mates
scrabble on vacation
James helping me move
Out to lunch
Dinner dates
groceries
cookies
Seeing Katie(s)
you have blessed me beyond measure, I know because I just tried and the words do you know justice. They don't even begin to tell of your greatness. I am your favorite. On me your favor rests. It does not make any sense to me.
The letter that came in the mail today- the one with bad news that made me cry... help me to see your will in all of this. Help me not to forget how faithful you have been. I want to remember your goodness when its hard. I want to trust you when there doesn't seem to be a way out. You are my only hope. You are all I have.
Please give me direction on what to do. I am going to ask James to come over today and pray with me about it. Maybe he will have an idea on what to do. I don't want to go around sharing my problems with everyone and whining about the situation I am in. However, if you have outside help for me, show me who I need to talk to. Make it clear.
Somehow in my lack, in my need, and in my debt- be glorified. May myself and others praise you for who you are. For your faithfulness and provision. I don't know what my options are. If its to drop out of school- may you be glorified. If its to work many more jobs- provide the opportunity. If it to take out another lone- make that clear.
I don't know how I will make it- but I trust you.
whether I win or lose, starve or feast- may you be glorified in my life and in all that I do.
Thank you for your many blessings.
You are good.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Heart
Lord,
The contents of my heart are jumbled. I don't understand whats going on inside. So much, where to start.
I feel very foolish in the way I have treated my heart. I don't trust you with it, and that makes me angry with myself. How do I trust you with my heart? Please teach me. I am tired of searching for something that can only come as a gift from you. I know I have to seek you and find peace in you, but I don't know how to set aside this fear and anxiety in order to get close to you. I feel lost in the matter. What makes less sense is how amazed I am at your goodness to me, and yet I still can't seem to trust you with this.
Thank you for suppling for my every need. I have yet to go a day without food, which is a miracle in itself. You have given me food, and supplied a way to cover my bills. I have yet to be in need, for you satisfy.
Thank you for the ways in which you have orchestrated events to simply bring me peace and know that you are with me. Shelley has been a vessel in ministering to me a lot this week. Thank you for her. It amazes me that you have been working all things in my life for your good. How you do it is astounding. May all people of the earth rejoice in you, for you are good. If this is where I am to go to church, please make it clear. I love that nobody knows me. I love that they don't know my family. Thank you for bringing this change at the right time.
Thank you so much for allowing me a venue to say thank you to You. Some people give me the strangest looks when I tell them I am not getting paid to work, but that I am solely working to help others. Thank you for this opportunity to serve you in the Religion office. I am so thankful.
Go before me Lord as I have an interview on Saturday. Help me to find the right office, and please grant me favor with the interviewer and those that I may work with. Bless my interview and my work. Please calm my nerves Lord and help me to rely on you, especially when it gets hard.
I don't understand the fickleness of my heart. Please render me captivated before you, and only you. I don't want to be distracted by the amazing people you have put in my life, that they become my focus and not you. I pray that I can learn how to be in relationship with people, namely males, in a manner that glorifies you and edifies the people around me. Go before me in my conversations Oh Lord I plea. I need you to teach me how to live, and how to be in relation. I am no good at it.
There is a lot of uncertainty coming in the next week as I head North. I pray that if there is to be financial help coming my way that you would bless those that are working to help me. Only you know how important this trip is and why I need to go. If it is your will, please make it happen. If you will that I don't go, or that I go later, may your will be done in my life. I need you to take control of this situation. I have done what I know to do, I have been amazed at the kindness of your people, bless them and show them how great you are as you continue to show me.
I am truly humbled by your goodness. Your favor for me is overwhelming. Why you would choose to love someone like me is beyond words. Thank you so much. May my life be a living example of my thanksgiving to you. I know that my best does not come close to even saying how great you are, but Lord, I will try.
Please be with my family. I do not know their feeling toward me, nor their thoughts, but Lord help them see that I am striving and trying to follow what you have for me. I know I must be patient and let you work but it is really hard not knowing what is going on. It is hard sitting alone in my room each day not knowing if they think or care about me. It pains my heart the uncertainty I have regarding their love for me. It seems very conditional, very fickle. That kind of love is piercing to my heart knowing that you desire me to be loved and feel love in an unconditional, faithful manner. Teach me to love as you love. Teach me to love my family in spite of how they love me.
Thank you for the opportunity to work at the internship this next year. I know not what plans you have in store for me or the other women, but I know that your hand is in this. thank you for the confirmation I felt in my spirit in regards to this. I am coming to understand that you are more than a God of my brain and Spirit but you are God of all things, and all areas of my life. Thank you that I am able to feel again. That I am becoming more and more sensitive to your Spirit and that I can feel and see you moving like I could years ago. Thank you so much.
Thank you for the gift of life. The opportunity to wake each day (or night) and praise you. Thank you so much for creating me in a way that I am able to give you praise. May my heart always be thankful before you and humble to serving you in each way.
Thank you for James. If I am supposed to figure out what is going on, please help me. But if I am not to know, please help me in being content.
In all things may I be content with what I have, satisfied, and completely thankful and grateful to you, the Lord who supplies not only for the physical needs, but the spiritual and emotional needs of your beloved.
Thank you.
The contents of my heart are jumbled. I don't understand whats going on inside. So much, where to start.
I feel very foolish in the way I have treated my heart. I don't trust you with it, and that makes me angry with myself. How do I trust you with my heart? Please teach me. I am tired of searching for something that can only come as a gift from you. I know I have to seek you and find peace in you, but I don't know how to set aside this fear and anxiety in order to get close to you. I feel lost in the matter. What makes less sense is how amazed I am at your goodness to me, and yet I still can't seem to trust you with this.
Thank you for suppling for my every need. I have yet to go a day without food, which is a miracle in itself. You have given me food, and supplied a way to cover my bills. I have yet to be in need, for you satisfy.
Thank you for the ways in which you have orchestrated events to simply bring me peace and know that you are with me. Shelley has been a vessel in ministering to me a lot this week. Thank you for her. It amazes me that you have been working all things in my life for your good. How you do it is astounding. May all people of the earth rejoice in you, for you are good. If this is where I am to go to church, please make it clear. I love that nobody knows me. I love that they don't know my family. Thank you for bringing this change at the right time.
Thank you so much for allowing me a venue to say thank you to You. Some people give me the strangest looks when I tell them I am not getting paid to work, but that I am solely working to help others. Thank you for this opportunity to serve you in the Religion office. I am so thankful.
Go before me Lord as I have an interview on Saturday. Help me to find the right office, and please grant me favor with the interviewer and those that I may work with. Bless my interview and my work. Please calm my nerves Lord and help me to rely on you, especially when it gets hard.
I don't understand the fickleness of my heart. Please render me captivated before you, and only you. I don't want to be distracted by the amazing people you have put in my life, that they become my focus and not you. I pray that I can learn how to be in relationship with people, namely males, in a manner that glorifies you and edifies the people around me. Go before me in my conversations Oh Lord I plea. I need you to teach me how to live, and how to be in relation. I am no good at it.
There is a lot of uncertainty coming in the next week as I head North. I pray that if there is to be financial help coming my way that you would bless those that are working to help me. Only you know how important this trip is and why I need to go. If it is your will, please make it happen. If you will that I don't go, or that I go later, may your will be done in my life. I need you to take control of this situation. I have done what I know to do, I have been amazed at the kindness of your people, bless them and show them how great you are as you continue to show me.
I am truly humbled by your goodness. Your favor for me is overwhelming. Why you would choose to love someone like me is beyond words. Thank you so much. May my life be a living example of my thanksgiving to you. I know that my best does not come close to even saying how great you are, but Lord, I will try.
Please be with my family. I do not know their feeling toward me, nor their thoughts, but Lord help them see that I am striving and trying to follow what you have for me. I know I must be patient and let you work but it is really hard not knowing what is going on. It is hard sitting alone in my room each day not knowing if they think or care about me. It pains my heart the uncertainty I have regarding their love for me. It seems very conditional, very fickle. That kind of love is piercing to my heart knowing that you desire me to be loved and feel love in an unconditional, faithful manner. Teach me to love as you love. Teach me to love my family in spite of how they love me.
Thank you for the opportunity to work at the internship this next year. I know not what plans you have in store for me or the other women, but I know that your hand is in this. thank you for the confirmation I felt in my spirit in regards to this. I am coming to understand that you are more than a God of my brain and Spirit but you are God of all things, and all areas of my life. Thank you that I am able to feel again. That I am becoming more and more sensitive to your Spirit and that I can feel and see you moving like I could years ago. Thank you so much.
Thank you for the gift of life. The opportunity to wake each day (or night) and praise you. Thank you so much for creating me in a way that I am able to give you praise. May my heart always be thankful before you and humble to serving you in each way.
Thank you for James. If I am supposed to figure out what is going on, please help me. But if I am not to know, please help me in being content.
In all things may I be content with what I have, satisfied, and completely thankful and grateful to you, the Lord who supplies not only for the physical needs, but the spiritual and emotional needs of your beloved.
Thank you.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
finished
Thank you that I am done with classes until Aug. And that I passed all my classes. I was kind of nervous there for a while.
You are so good to me! I really don't understand it. Thank you for the gift of life that you bless me with everyday, and provisions for food that come in the most comedic ways.
Lord you are good! Your mercy is new every morning. You are so great and oh, so good. Thank you.
I don't know how to say thank you enough. I pray that my life will be an endless thanksgiving to you and that the ways that I treat others will be out of thanksgiving. That I wont take any of my blessings and hoard them for myself but rather that I will give freely as you have given so freely to me. I pray that my life will be a living example of how great you are.
Ive been telling everyone all week that I'm your favorite, and I tell them stories of what you have done for me and they stand amazed how great you are. I think they are starting to realize that you love me.
My hope is that I could be a vessel that you use to show them how much you love them. That although I am your favorite, they are your favorite as well.
You are amazing. Thank you for life so that I can enjoy you. Thank you for creating me so that I can experience you.
I love you.
You are so good to me! I really don't understand it. Thank you for the gift of life that you bless me with everyday, and provisions for food that come in the most comedic ways.
Lord you are good! Your mercy is new every morning. You are so great and oh, so good. Thank you.
I don't know how to say thank you enough. I pray that my life will be an endless thanksgiving to you and that the ways that I treat others will be out of thanksgiving. That I wont take any of my blessings and hoard them for myself but rather that I will give freely as you have given so freely to me. I pray that my life will be a living example of how great you are.
Ive been telling everyone all week that I'm your favorite, and I tell them stories of what you have done for me and they stand amazed how great you are. I think they are starting to realize that you love me.
My hope is that I could be a vessel that you use to show them how much you love them. That although I am your favorite, they are your favorite as well.
You are amazing. Thank you for life so that I can enjoy you. Thank you for creating me so that I can experience you.
I love you.
Monday, April 30, 2007
meh
"Sometimes when Im too depressed or drowning in self doubt
I know that I can call your name, and you will pull me out.
You taught me that Im worth much more, than what I've always thought
You give my strength and confidence, so long that I have sought..." -my poem to you
Thank you for the gift of one final on finals week.
Thank you that it isnt until Thursday.
Thank you that I could buy pizza for my girls.
Thank you that I have been an RA
and thank you that its ending.
This is one chapter in my life I am excited about closing.
Not that it has been bad in any way,
but that I am excited for the next to begin.
You are so good to me.
Thank you.
"You're the reason I live, you the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you. (only for you) only for you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone who loves me like you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone as awesome as you.
You're the reason I live. You're the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you."
-song by Steve and Julie
I know that I can call your name, and you will pull me out.
You taught me that Im worth much more, than what I've always thought
You give my strength and confidence, so long that I have sought..." -my poem to you
Thank you for the gift of one final on finals week.
Thank you that it isnt until Thursday.
Thank you that I could buy pizza for my girls.
Thank you that I have been an RA
and thank you that its ending.
This is one chapter in my life I am excited about closing.
Not that it has been bad in any way,
but that I am excited for the next to begin.
You are so good to me.
Thank you.
"You're the reason I live, you the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you. (only for you) only for you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone who loves me like you.
In all my life, in all my life, I've never known anyone as awesome as you.
You're the reason I live. You're the reason I am who I am. You're the reason I live and my life is for you."
-song by Steve and Julie
Monday, April 23, 2007
Play
Can we play sometime?
I want to run, laugh, smile, and have a tickle fight with you.
Is that too crazy a request?
I want to forget everything and just play.
Thank you for being present with me during James' and my conversation last night.
Im glad you were there.
Thank you so much for James.
Im glad he didn't walk out on me.
I like this new situation where I can tell people who I really am, say what I feel and they stick around.
Good bad and ugly, hes still here.
Thank you.
I think Dr. Seuss was on to something when he said:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind- don't matter, and those who matter- don't mind."
smiles.
Thank you for creating me.
Thank you for the process of learning.
Thank you for making life interesting.
Thank you for men who love you.
Thank you for letting me be me.
I love you.
I want to run, laugh, smile, and have a tickle fight with you.
Is that too crazy a request?
I want to forget everything and just play.
Thank you for being present with me during James' and my conversation last night.
Im glad you were there.
Thank you so much for James.
Im glad he didn't walk out on me.
I like this new situation where I can tell people who I really am, say what I feel and they stick around.
Good bad and ugly, hes still here.
Thank you.
I think Dr. Seuss was on to something when he said:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind- don't matter, and those who matter- don't mind."
smiles.
Thank you for creating me.
Thank you for the process of learning.
Thank you for making life interesting.
Thank you for men who love you.
Thank you for letting me be me.
I love you.
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