There will always be more to learn, more to work on, more to figure out. Always. MORE.
Sometimes, like now, I long for those moments of peace. For that one moment of deep breath that says, "I know there is more, but it doesn't have to be tackled right now."
However.
In the world of big events always coming, there is always more to do. And when those events are over there is more to plan for. Some people call it job security. I call it retarded.
There seems to be so much stress, most probably caused by me, that pushes the MORE syndrome. There is a person, this one person that has become my responsibility. It is my job to know the ins and outs of this person. To know their emotions, facial expressions, likes dislikes, and not just know the facts, but respond to this person with all my emotions, energy and self. It makes it a lot easier that I love this person. But the more I think about it, the more stressful it becomes.
Am I this persons all in all? No.
Am I this persons only source of friendship and love? No.
But I take on the responsibility as though I am. And ...that is a lot for one person.
As the wedding day approaches, the more excited I become, and the more terrified. Do I know what I am doing? Do I understand the weight of the commitment I am about to vow to?
Maybe?
There is no fully knowing until I am in the thick of it. Its like swimming. You can read books on how to do it, watch others do it, walk around in an empty pool... but untill you are submerged in water... how do know if you'll do it right?
I've heard of a few people who learned to swim by being thrown into a pool. They had to learn, or drown. Most learned. However, one person I know, just sank to the bottom and had to be rescued. She still doesn't know how to swim.
Taking the plunge.
There is only one way to know if you'll sink or swim. Jump. My fear, for marriage, is that I'll sink.
I know its unrealistic.
In pre-marriage I am finding that we are a lot healthier in our relationship than I ever thought possible. We have a healthy outlook, and healthy expectations, we communicate well and problem solve well. We both are in it for life, divorce is never an option.
Which really just adds a lot of pressure, but is highly motivating.
Failure is not an option. We will finish, now lets work on finishing well.
From what I am learning about marriage, its all about the hard things in life.
Self sacrifice.
Self discipline.
Self secondness.
Serving.
Choosing love.
All the things that don't come naturally, at least for me. The stuff that I have struggled with for years, the things I never wanted to learn. And now...now those very things are becoming more and more clear. I am in deficit and have no time to learn and make these things part of my character.
"Self-ten-years- younger, You need to start working on this now!"
Wish I would have gotten that memo.
More to work on. More to learn. More to try not to regret. More to bring to the cross.
More.
"Jesus, help me lay it all at your feet. I can't take any more."
